Gone

You've been gone for one and a half days, and I miss you like crazy already. 

I'm so used to knowing what you're doing and how your day is going. Do you wish you knew what I was doing? Do you want to know how my day is going? 

No talking to you is so difficult. It's even more difficult because it's the holidays and you were here for two days. Just a tease. I want our lives together to finally start, but actually together. Not metaphorically but physically too. I need more than a relationship with my phone. I need more than a relationship with a man on a screen. I need a relationship with a person--not just any person, it has to be you. 

This is getting so difficult...

Pain

I thought our first time was special...
Right now I don't feel like it was.
You took it too far, Flyer.
If the roles were switched, I would have never in a million years done that to you.
I especially wasn't going to do that to you 13 times.
13 fucking times.
I did it once.
And we weren't even together.
And it wasn't meant to hurt you.
It had nothing to do with you.

What you did had everything in the world to do with me.
You wanted to hurt me.
So much, that you did it 13 times.
You just took it too far.

This puts a whole new light on everything.
I would rather you be a horny teenage boy who couldn't keep it in his pants.
I could deal with that.
But it wasn't that at all.
This had intention.
This had a reason.
You actually thought of me while you were doing it and then decided that, because of me, it was okay.

Newsflash.
It's not okay.
Revenge is not okay.
Especially when I was and maybe always will be so vulnerable.

Next time you get that mad at me--
so mad that you're willing to get revenge 13 times--
unwarranted, cruel revenge--
save me the pain, and just break up with me. 

-Beaskie

Blind

You don't see it
You're blind to it
The sacrifices
The lies I have to tell
Just to talk to you.

You don't see it
You can't see it
What I give up
The stories I feed my friends
Just to see you.

You don't see it
You won't see it
The agony I am in
The pain I feel
Just because I'm not with you.

You don't see it
You're blind to it
The feelings I have
The way you make me feel
Just by you being you.

Doesn't matter.

You have to say what you feel. Or sooner or later your anger will build up and then it'll turn into a huge mess. I know your intentions, I know it's not like you don't want me to live my life. Just say what you feel and explain it the best you can, or else we will have a bigger problem on our hands. 

I Know

I know we don't talk as much, but I think it's temporary. There are a lot of events going on right now for new students and I'm just trying to make friends.
I love you. So much. More than you know. I couldn't sleep last night because I was missing you so much. So, so, so much. Everything exciting is happening to me and it all means nothing until I tell you. You validate everything that happens to me Flyer. You mean the world to me.
I love you.
I will be really busy with dance classes, so texting all the time might not be as easy as before. But trust me when I say I've noticed it too. And I hate it. I wish you were here. I wish we lived together. I wish we were married...
I pretend like we are. I act like we are.
You can trust me. You don't have to be jealous. And it's okay that you're a bit territorial because you do have someone--you have me. Always.
You're the only person who I'm attracted to, or who I trust, or who I love. No one can replace you. Ever.
I love you Flyer.

-Beaskie

Gone

Every night the last thing I'll see is your jewelry box. 

Every morning the first thing I'll see is your jewelry box. 

And in between, in my mind I'll see your jewelry box. 

You made my 18th absolutely spectacular. I love you. Thank you. 

You're gone now. But we will always be together. 

-Beaskie

Old pictures

I want to marry you. 

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. This is so classic. But I do. I don't see why we would ever break up. 

Please don't forget about me. I'm worried you've already started to. Please flyer, please. I love you. 

Looking through old pictures is like a fleeting goodbye kiss--it's amazing for a second, then stings for so long afterwards. 

I want to have new pictures with you too. We can't end like this flyer. Promise me we won't. 

Please. 

I'm reconsidering everything. I am so confused. I've never been this confused before. It's awful. 

Are you as confused as I am? 

I know you're not as sad as I am. Which is comforting because I never want you to be sad, but it's terrifying at the same time because you're okay without me when I'm not okay without you. 

This next week needs to fly by. I need to be in your arms. I need to. Just to be able to look at you, I'd give anything for that. 

I love you to the moon and back. 

-Beaskie

Sad

I'm terrified. 

I just have these visions...all night long. 

They're more like visions than dreams. Dreams are things in your subconscious you didn't know existed. Visions are what you know exists, what you see happening. 

So I have these visions. Of you. Without me. 

You're the strongest person I know. You'd be strong without me. That's why I'm terrified. I have visions of you slowly forgetting all our love and starting to get comfortable on your own. I have these visions as if they are happening today, as I type. As I cry. As I sit on the couch and watch the ceiling fan go in circles. As I do my favorite thing-dark room. 

I want to tell you how sad I am. I want to tell you how miserable I am. 

Today was the dress up day. Marti gras. I had found a cute couples costume on amazon and ordered it about a month ago. I was gonna surprise you with it today. 

I want you here more than anything in the world. 

How are you? I'm dying to know. I need to know. I want to know every detail of your day. What you had for lunch, if you did errands for your boss, if you're watching oth, if you laugh. 

I love your laugh. 

Don't stop laughing. 

How the hell am I going to get through this...

-Beaskie

Touch

I'm sleeping in a bed with my sister here. It's a double bed and it's pretty tight. I don't want her touching me. In fact I've been sleeping on the couch some nights. 

When I sleep, you're the only person I can have next to me. 

When we were driving to lunch one of the guys was next to me in the car. It was pretty close. I didn't want his leg touching me. 

When I'm in the car, you're the only person I can have next to me. 

You're the only person I can have next to me.

I'm sorry about the picture. It made me want to cry every time I saw it. I wonder if you changed it for the same reasons. 

But even still, I look at your pictures, our pictures, every night before I sleep. 

I miss you. 

-Beaskie

Chance

The boys here are chance fans.
Do you remember that night?
It was perfect. We went to a party. We spent the night at my house. We hung out with friends and got food and drove around and listened to chance for the first time together. We celebrated the start of a new year.
And the next day was perfect too... We went to the parade and I wore your hat and we fell asleep on the ride home, me on your lap.
And the next day was when it all turned bad.
The next day you made a very, very bad decision.

And now we're here.

Where are we?

I talked to my aunt here. "Aunty Di". I was being really dark and gloomy and she dragged me outside to talk and I ended up talking for three hours about everything. And you know what she said?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-Wherever Flyer is...
Then you're making the right choice.

She was in an abusive relationship once. She's also been cheated on. So she actually knows what she's talking about. And she definitely doesn't sugar coat things. So if she tells me I'm making the right choice, then I'm making the right choice.

It's the scariest right choice I've ever made.

We can't use this blog to talk to each other; that's cheating.
This blog is for ourselves. And if the other person reads it then so be it. But it can't be solely to talk to each other.
We can't cheat. If we do this right it will work, and things will go back to normal.

My Aunty Di also said that she was proud of us. And she said she wants you to come next year. She said she's never believed in forgiving a cheater until now. She believes I should forgive you.
And I believe that too.
And I will.

Be patient.

I've read that poem a hundred times now.

-Beaskie

What do you think

I stayed with you after you cheated. That's a simple fact we all know.
So stop with the "if you still love me" crap.
It's SO obvious how much I love you, given that simple fact we all know.
Do you really doubt that?!
If you doubt it that much, there's a deeper issue here.
I will always "poke" you. I will always love you.
It's as simple as that.
Stop
doubting
it.
And I won't doubt that you love me, either.

-Beaskie

Birthday

It should be your 72nd birthday today. 

You're stuck at 69 forever. 

It's not fair. I miss you more and more every day and I can't ever talk to you again. 

You should know what's happening with me. You don't know any of it. 

Maybe that's for the better...

I love you. I will always love you. I've loved you since the moment I was born and you held me. I loved you when you came to visit me in Atlanta. I loved you when you took me to see my first musical. I loved you then and I love you now, more than ever. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm learning that in so many ways today. 

The worst part is I can't talk to the one person I want to talk to today. Today of all days. Bad timing I guess. But then again, is there ever a good time?

-Beaskie

Have to

I'm not ready for this. For any of it. 

I already feel sick and sad again. I'm constantly on the brink of crying and it just started today. How am I going to do this!?

I just keep telling myself that I have to. I have no choice if I want to be with you. 

And I have to be with you. 

-Beaskie

Not myself

I'm forgetting things

I feel sick

I can't eat

I'm scared

I'm tired

I'm not myself. 

I'm not myself without you. 

This better work. 

-Beaskie

T

You know nothing about me. You think reading my blog is gonna help you understand me? Maybe if we were friends you would understand me. But we aren't. I don't want to be. Precisely because you don't understand me. You asked me all those questions last night just so you could have the chance to tell me that I'm wrong. You didn't care what my answer was, you just wanted an excuse to say no actually it's your fault. Well you can stop blaming me right now because I can tell you straight up it's you who fucked up, and like I said before, if you can't see that you're lying to yourself. Me not being there for you as a friend? I never changed how I acted towards you. And when I ask for examples of how I did "change" you can't come up with any, proving my point. So if you think I wasn't there for you then you are the one who changed your expectations when you knew I wasn't nearly in the right place to meet them. I'm not sorry about anything that happened, except that I'm sorry you stopped understanding me. And T, we did grow apart. You went to college and we never saw each other. You can't deny that fact. I'm actually doing great, so stop worrying about someone who doesn't need or want your pity. I'm doing better than I ever have before. 

Also, don't you dare give me any fucking advice about being myself. From my experience you are the queen of pretending. 

Now, stop reading my blog. 

-Beaskie

I feel like you're already starting to let go of me...

The fact that you're okay makes me happy, and makes me have hope, but also really, really hurts. 

Really. 

I'm so scared of not being with you. You saw that last night... 

Help me. What do I do. How do I somehow keep you, because that's all I want. 

-Beaskie

Insanity

This is insane to me...
We will be 15 minutes away from each other. You know how rare that is! Not miles, MINUTES! And yet you are saying we can't spend that time together. We can't spend that time going on dates and walking in the park and doing all the things we put on our list.
What about our list...
What about all our plans? What about my parents helping out with money so you could come to Bass Lake?
What about spending all the time we have together?

What about me?...

What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the summer?! I do NOTHING just so I can wait for YOU! I'm just going to lie in my bed and cry... literally. I see no other options.

I don't think I'm overreacting here. I'm probably underreacting. My feelings are real, flyer. I'm not making this up. I wasn't forcing myself to cry to get you to change your mind last night. Those were REAL tears. And what I'm feeling is REAL pain.

Pain.

So. Much. Pain.

There's too much pain in this relationship...
Please, make it stop.
Just make the pain stop.

Please...

This is turning out to be one of the worst summers I've ever had.

-Beaskie

What Needed To Be Said

I wish I hadn't gone up to nd after it happened.
I wish I hadn't kissed you.
I wish I hadn't lied next to you.
I wish none of it had happened.
I wish I had been mean. And cold. And refused to see you or talk to you.
I wish I had slapped you.
I wish I had yelled at you more and punched her.
I wish I had given you the idea that no, it's not okay.
I wish I had given you that idea in the first place...
I wish I had been enough to get it through your thick skull that cheating is actually not okay.
I wish I had been enough to get you to stop watching and to start living in the real world.
I wish I would stop blaming myself so much...

I wish I hadn't trusted you so much the first time.
I wish I didn't ever give you "permission".
I wish I had been more selfish and less in love.
I wish you had been smarter than that.
I wish you hadn't taken advantage of me, repeatedly.

Sometimes... I wish I had just ended it then and there.

-Beaskie

Who knows what to call these things anymore...

Brother, you haven't written back yet. You said you would be better. So be better...

Flyer, you won't talk about the split. When I bring it up you shut down and that's not fair to me. We can't pretend it won't happen. I guess you'd rather talk about it over text...

I'm still depressed. I still have bad days. The only thing that's changed is that I hide them now, because I'm ashamed of them. I pretend I'm fine--something I'm very good at, an art I have mastered. I'm obviously very good at it because from what I can tell you haven't noticed. I'm ashamed to be depressed after a year and a half. That's too long. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I just get over this already? My therapist is keeping me on medication for my entire freshmen year. Maybe longer.

Will I ever be normal again?

-Beaskie

Thoughts

It's nights and days like these where I can just forget about the split altogether and pretend it won't happen. Then I remember once you leave and it all comes crashing down on me.

Do you still feel pushed? I'm trying my best to make sure you don't. You don't deserve that and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. 

I do trust you. Just not 100% quite yet. 

Have you thought about what I want you to do?

I love you. 

-Beaskie

Hate it

I hate it.

It makes me jealous. It makes me curious. It makes me angry and doubtful and upset and hurt and nosy. 

If make me that girl. That girl who doesn't let her boyfriend go to parties. That girl who wants to know who he talked to and for how long and what was said. It makes me want to say you can't. It makes me that girl. 

I hate being that girl. 

But you've left me no choice. 

And I hate it. 

-Beaskie

Not happy.

Depression fucking sucks. 

I'm where I've always wanted to go, and I'm sad out of my mind. All I want to do is sleep and waste my time in this gorgeous city. I'm secluding myself from my family and not smiling at all. 

This isn't fair...

Why won't it stop...

Do I need even more meds...

What's college gonna be like...

Am I totally screwed forever...

Sure as hell feels like it. 

-Beaskie

You're wrong...

You've never been so wrong. 

I didn't crack a smile all day, and I was tanning by the goddamn mediterannean. I didn't smile because all I could do was think about how much I'm going to miss you. And I didn't crack a smile because as soon as I'd move my face I began to cry. 

I threw a fit this morning. A literal fit. As soon as we hung up I fell to pieces. 

I was adamant because we can't go on like this... You know it too you just don't want to admit it. But we both realize that something is terribly wrong. I'd rather try this split and hope it works than try to stay together and crash and burn. The only reason I'm not in a constant puddle of tears is I keep reminding myself that this has to happen, and it's for the better. 

I hate this more than I hated going to court. 

You've never been so wrong. 

-Beaskie

New. Exciting.

I'm craving something new. Something exciting. 

Can we be new? And exciting? 

College is coming and will fulfill that temporarily, but even as immediate as this summer is on my mind. 

New. Exciting. 

Can we do that?

Can you do that?

Or are we just too comfortable? Have we just figured it all out and are now going through the motions? If so, that was fast...

This stuff happens to married couples after 50 years. It can't happen to us, though I fear it might soon. 

We have to constantly woo each other. Is that too much to ask?

Remember a year ago when you had said I love you and I hadn't? You had to woo me. We weren't certain. We had to try. 

Let's not end that. 

-Beaskie

Talk

Ok so we talked. Good.
That can't be it though.
We won't get anywhere if we stop now.
Why talk to me if you're just going to stop?
I don't care the reason anymore.
Talk to me.

This goes for both of you.

-Beaskie

Still...

Ok what's the deal. You don't let me in anymore. You don't tell me things when you should and even when you do it never feels like the whole story. You don't talk to me about how you're feeling and when I talk to you about how I'm feeling you shut down. I feel like the only way I get your attention is sexually and so I do that...I can't go down that road again flyer. I've done everything for you, and I've stayed with you even when I shouldn't have. Is this what I get? Open up. Include me in your life. I thought I was special, the one person you wouldn't shut out. You've told me that before, now prove it. 

Unworthy

It's snowing here. Everyone wears nikes and bedazzled jeans. I wish I could talk to you about my week...

I struggle so much with feeling unworthy. 

Of you. 

Of life. 

Unworthy of breathing air. Unworthy of being loved. Just plain unworthy. 

Then I go and do something so stupid and painful for you and selfish and I can't even stop it. So I feel even less worthy. 

Utterly, solely, perfectly unworthy. 

We have our differences. I'm trying my hardest to not let them matter to me. 

I wish you would talk to me...all I feel is unworthy of everything so I probably don't deserve you talking to me but I still wish you would because you're the only person who can pull me out of this.

But that's not yor job, you don't have to. I'm just saying you're the only one who can. 

-Beaskie

Spring Break

This week has been quite overwhelming...

I'm so engulfed by my love for you, and my dependency on you. When I see you I just want you to hold me and never let go, no matter what happens. When I'm not with you, and you're here, I feel incomplete.

That scares me.

I really do depend on you... More than I should. More than is healthy. When you're not here, I'm totally fine and I can make myself happy just being me. But when you're here it's like my life depends on you. Maybe that's because we don't see each other often... Maybe that's because that is how I am trained to act with a boyfriend. Maybe that's because my life actually does depend on you... It certainly used to.

When we were intimate, I was scared. Just like the first time. But this time I was scared for different reasons. This time I was scared because you did that with her, not because I thought you'd do to me what the boy did. This time I was scared because I felt used. This time I was scared because I felt slutty again, but for different reasons.

It was also wonderful, and it made me trust you more and taught me that you care about me again. It reminded me of how gentle you are with me and how cautious and thoughtful you can be. It brought back great memories. It helped me to fall in love with you more.

I really want to know more about what you think... I know your mind is more complicated than what you let on. At least I hope it is...

And I know I jokingly tell you to "be mature" all the time, but keep in mind that I am saying that for a reason...

I'm still terrified to love you. The good news is, that means I love you.

-Beaskie

Tonight

You're coming tonight, and I've imagined the first time I see you over and over. I've imagined Friday night over and over. Was that smart? Did I get my hopes up to something unattainable?

I've gone over what I want to say to you over and over. That was smart for sure, because I don't want to forget anything. The first thing I want to do when I see you is talk. That's all. Just sit next to each other and look at each other and talk. Then we can cuddle. Then we can hold each other. Then we can sleep.

But first, we talk.

Last time I was with you there were so many emotions I had no idea what I was thinking. Now I know what I'm thinking--I know very well. So now we get to talk about it. I've been hiding my feelings for your sake, but I'm not going to do that anymore.

I've been listening to chance and reminiscing.... back to when you were still mine.

But, even at that point, you weren't. You never were.

So it's time to start anew. It's time for you to be mine. I've been too patient, and I'm done waiting.

-Beaskie

Visit

You're coming home soon and honestly I'm a little nervous...
What if it feels weird? What if we don't click?
I know my doubts are stupid but they are still there...
I'm so excited to see you, I'm putting so much pressure on this visit to be perfect.

I sure hope it is...

-Beaskie

I wonder if you'll read this...

I miss you...

You don't talk to me. You don't hear me either. I don't understand. 

One day, one day I might stop waiting. 

And what happens when that time occurs? How will we ever be brother and sister again? How will things ever be normal again? I don't know the answer, and I'm scared to find it out. 

I'm just plain confused. Telling me you need time didn't make sense. It wasn't enough. I don't know if I'm asking for too much right now but I'm asking regardless.

I just miss you. I miss having a brother. 

In all honesty, we never have been very close. But now, with everything I was going through, I thought maybe this would be our time. But it's not, apparently. 

When will it be our time?

I'm going through some pretty major changes in my life right now. Really significant ones. And you aren't here to meet the new me.

If you never knew the old me, how long will it take you to get to know the new me? The longer we wait, the harder it gets. 

If I had one wish, I would have my big brother at my graduation. 

-Beaskie  

Valentine's Day

The way your dorm smells
The way your lips feel on my forehead
The way your arms tense around me
The way you say "good" when I say I'm okay
The way your heart sounds as it's beating
The way you hold my hand
The way you pick me up and carry me through snow
The way you pause your movies and video games for me
The way you sold your gun for me
The way you stick up for me
The way you're always on my side
The way you call me your wife
The way you smell in the mornings
The way you stroke my back
The way you put your head on top of mine when you hug me
The way you remember little things and ask me about them
The way you pay attention
The way you talk to me
The way you lie down next to me
The way you see me, not just look at me
The way you listen and the way you respond
The way you laugh so carelessly and openly
The way you take on new challenges with a smile on your face
The way you smile...
The way you bought me a ring
The way you always remind me that the sun is shining somewhere
The way you write me poems
The way you tell me everything
The way you listen to me telling you everything
The way you love me.
The way we love.

Last year you carved me a hummingbird, and we drove around with sunflowers and starbucks, and we gave a carnation a rose, and we were determined not to fall in love, even though it was already too late for both of us.

This year you're 1603.1 miles away, and you are coming home soon, and we are going through a tough time because we are trying to be the amazing couple we used to tell ourselves we would never be.

I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
It's Valentine's Day your time, but I love you all the time.

Can you feel my kisses from California? Can you hear me telling you I need you from across the country? I'm saying it loud and clear.

My love, my soulmate, my hero. My boo, my baby, my stud muffin.
My everything, where would I be with out you?

-Yours always

Funk

I hate when this happen. I just get into a mood. Something reminds me of something and it's just that easy to slip.

I always tell myself I'm strong, but then something gets to me and I become weak again. I was happy all day, then I remembered it's your birthday in a few days. And I got into a funk

And then someone cheated on someone in my TV show. And I got deeper into my funk.

And then his face pops up in an old picture.

And now I'm stuck...

-Beaskie

No Idea

I'm so conflicted when it comes to doing...those...things with you.

One one hand, it feels totally natural. It's what we are comfortable with and I love that about us.

One the other hand, I feel like you don't yet deserve to have that side of me yet. But that's insane, nobody deserves it more than you do.

I feel like we should wait on principle. But is that even necessary? Maybe I'm not comfortable with it now because I always need to be held and kissed afterwards, and you can't do that right now. Maybe when we are together we will just fall back into place and it will happen and be amazing like it always is. Maybe it will help us.

Maybe I honestly have no idea...

-Beaskie

Thoughts About Flying

This one's for you. Read it at your own risk.

I'm scared I'll want to break up with you. I'm scared someone else will come along and make me think that they can make me feel the way you used to make me feel and I'll believe them. I'm scared to fall out of love with you.
Everything I thought we were was wrong. It's not so much what you did that hurts, it's how you reacted to it. I thought we could be open, and honest, and pure. I thought we could be good people to each other.
I thought you were one of the good guys.

I'm not saying you can never be a good guy again. But right now, you're not. And for lack of a better word, that sucks.
A lot.

This is depressing. And it hurts. And it's interesting and odd and unusual. It's putting me out of my comfort zone and it's painfully making me stronger. It's preparing me for the fact that no matter how much I want someone to be perfect, they won't be. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Because I'm not perfect and I don't want someone to expect me to be.

You have to get me to fall in love with you again. That should be your goal. I'm not saying that I don't love you, because I do and always will. I'm saying I have to fall for you again. And again, and again.

And again...

And again...

-Beaskie

An Overdue Response

At this point in time, I'm not exactly sure where we stand.
Should we still be friends?
Being brutally honest, you're acting like my old "friends".
Depression is NOT a choice. People who think it is are ignorant and can't help those who need it.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to be ignorant about depression. I wish I was.
I never said I don't care about you. I never said I don't miss you. And I never said I don't love you, so please don't put those words in my mouth. I do care about you, and miss you, and love you. I always will.
I did not manipulate you. Don't flatter yourself. I had no where near the amount of energy and strength it takes to manipulate someone (and trust me, I know what that's like. You were not being manipulated). And I would never do what the boy did to me to someone else. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and you are far from my worst enemy.
I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you lately. But your words have deeply hurt me, and I don't know if you know why. Which just makes it hurt more.
I'm not as well-off as you must think I am. You think it's now your turn to be damaged. I never said you couldn't be damaged, but you need to understand that my battle still isn't over.
I'm still on medication. I'm still infected with this disease that's taken over my life. It takes so much time and patience to eradicate it completely, and I'm fragile still. I'm sorry if I mislead you in believing that I was fine. Don't get me wrong, I am exponentially better than I was last year.
But that doesn't mean I'm 100% again. I truly wish I was, for the both of us.
Some of the ideas you hold, I'm not sure where they came from. I don't remember lying to you, I don't remember judging you. I do remember pushing you away--just like I pushed everyone away--and I apologize for that. Honestly, I do.
Maybe right now, we aren't good for each other. But maybe right now, we are all each other needs.
I have no idea.

Do you?

-Beaskie

Potatoes

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” 

"Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

"Depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato. It's impossible and it doesn't work and it just makes you want to cry. And then people ask, 'Well why don't you just use a peeler?' and then they hand you another fucking potato."

--

If I had a choice, I would've made it differently.

Too bad it wasn't a choice.

Too bad you think it is, like you've felt what I've been feeling.

It's all too bad....

-Beaskie

This Place

So I'm here at the place where he terrorized me and raped me and hit me. Where he stalked me and threatened me. Where he and I were together. Where he went to school. Where he shunned me and fucked me and slapped me. 

And then you start talking like him...

This is just all so close to home. Too close to home. I can't. I just can't. I'm terrified. Of you. Of him. Of this place. 

This place makes me want to throw up. The flashbacks are endless. I can't focus. 

When will it end...

-Beaskie

Pull The Trigger

I'm terrified.

Part of me is terrified you'll leave.
The other part of me is terrified you'll turn into him.

All of me is terrified.

It's so easy to let go of both of those fears when you're here. You can look at me and erase any doubts in my mind. When I'm with you, I know you love me, and I know you aren't him.

But when you're gone...things change. A lot.
It gets harder to remind myself that you love me. And it gets harder to remind myself that you aren't him. My mind starts racing with images of you leaving. I find every reason in the world for you to leave me.

There's so many reasons.

I imagine worst case scenario every second. I'm so deeply terrified of you leaving me. And when you're gone, it's so easy to convince myself that you will.

And, of course, I'm terrified of you becoming him.

I watch this TV show where all the couples fight. And the guy screams and then walks away. And he's blind to the girl. And he hates her. And she is helpless and makes excuses for him.

Or she fights back. She yells back and she walks away, too.

If you turned into him, I don't think I'd have the strength to fight back. I would just shrink down seven sizes smaller and let it happen.

It would kill me.

And every day I imagine it. I imagine all the reasons why you would leave me. And I imagine all the reasons why you would turn into him.

Why I deserve both of those things.

I'm extremely sensitive--more than you realize. You look away from me and I get scared you'll never look back. You let go of my hand and I get scared you'll never take it again. You shout at a friend playfully and I imagine you shouting at me. You call a friend a name and I imagine you calling me much, much worse names. You talk about your guns and I imagine you...

There are so many triggers, Flyer. I can't even name them all. I don't know how to control them. And I know I can't control you from doing them. I wish somehow you would just know what would trigger me and then not do it. But there's no way for you to know, because once you've done it it's too late--the terrifying thoughts are triggered. I don't want to mention it when it happens because then I would be saying "That was a trigger..." a hundred times a day. But then you never know that you're doing it.

It's terrifying. And it isn't your fault.

All these triggers, it makes me convince myself I'm not worthy, that you don't think I'm worthy. And it makes me imagine these terrifying thoughts and I get so, so scared.

More than anything, I'm scared of how much I love you--especially when you're not around. When you're here, everything is fine, and I'm not terrified. But when you're not--from the second you leave--my masochist mind starts working and I'm triggered over and over again.

I love you so much Flyer. Please, prove me wrong.

-Beaskie

The Beginning of the End

Well...it's done.

As of 9 am today, the boy is in jail. For two years.

I don't know what to say about it. I have a million conflicting emotions.

I won. I finally did it. He gets to suffer now.

There is a person out there who was so cruel to me he was put in jail for it.

I was with a felon.

I never have to see him again.

What if he comes looking for me? What if he hates me?

For the sake of women everywhere, I hope people like him can change.

I hope he gets raped in prison.

I hope they never let him out.

I hope he dies there.

I hope he rehabilitates.

I hope he never hurts another person again.

I put a person in jail.




He is in jail...

And I'm a wreck.

-Beaskie

Days

These flashbacks are like watching TV.
A really dumb soap opera that I wouldn't be caught dead watching.
I just need them to stop, that's all I'm asking for.
When can I finally get on with my life?

Two years ago was today was the beginning.
Last year today was the middle.
Why can't today be the end?

Oh, because he doesn't go to jail today. That's Thursday.