Like

I like you...

I haven't felt comfortable with anyone else yet except you.

You're just...nice. 

I'm scared. I don't want to like anybody. I just want to be alone. 

But there you are...being nice...and likeable. 

Maybe it's good you're leaving soon. That gives me a solid reason to stop liking you. 

But it also sucks. 

I wish I didn't like you. 

But I do. 

-Beaskie

Blood

I was riding on the train and I had my hand on the window sill. There was a piece of metal that was sticking out and on a bump my arm slipped into it. It stung and hurt through my sweater. 

I liked it...

I'm scared that I still feel relief from sharp pain. I have been cutting my nails every day to keep from digging them into my skin. 

I didn't move my arm until someone pointed out the blood. 

I don't understand. Why is this still something I do? I'm so happy and feel fulfilled. I smile and sing to the radio and dance constantly and laugh a lot.

I'm actually happy.

How is that not enough? I'm still feeling relief and solace in self inflicted pain. 

What if I want to cut. Should I reach out to you? Do you still want to help me through that?

I miss my best friend. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get that piece back. 

-Beaskie

That's it?

I miss you.

I didn't say I miss us, I said I miss you.
We talked so much for years and years. And now what, it's just over? Poof? Gone?

Gone.

Your blog isn't for me anymore. You deleted everything you ever wrote about me. Now it's for her.

You couldn't have started a new blog...?

Do you see why I feel instantly replaced?

I just read "Don't Read This".

Sounds like that't it... Sounds like you're just done caring about me. Sounds like you really want nothing to do with me.

Am I right?

I do feel like you stringed me along. I feel like I shouldn't have made myself so available to you because it was very obvious that you loved her but still wanted me, or what I could give you. I shouldn't have given you that. You were already done loving me.

I wonder what you did with that journal. I don't know what I'd do with it. It would probably kill me to see it. It's yours anyways, so I guess I don't need to worry about it.

What happened to still being friends?

I know we shouldn't be together. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I miss you. Having you in my life. I really don't want to lose that and I'm terrified that I already have.

Have I? Lost you?

Will I?

I'll stop reading your blog now.

-Beaskie

Promise

Promise me we won't be lost

Promise me to never stop

Promise me to always care

Promise me to do your share 

Promise me to listen still

Promise me you always will

Promise never to give up

Promise that we won't get stuck

Promise me you won't lose hope 

Promise if I'm scared you won't 

Break a promise out of spite 

Promise to still stay at night 

Promises promises, do they last?

Promised, promised, in the past. 

A past of lies and love so great

How many promises will it take? 

Depressed

You used to make me laugh so much. And smile, and feel safe. 

I don't do any of those things now. I'm simply depressed again. I have no will again. Im alone again. 

I'm depressed again and it sucks. I feel like i did in high school. I hate it and it's scary and not fair. 

I want to be happy. Why can't I be happy...

I want to talk to you. Is that allowed? Do you even want that?

-Beaskie

First time

It was our first time. Our first time saying goodbye. 

I'm scared and confused and instantly lonely. Thank you for apologizing. That helped. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to say now. I'm always shaky and can't eat. This is strange. 

We'll be ok. Whether separately or together, we'll be ok. 

I'm just not ready to be ok yet. 

-Beaskie

Reminiscing used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now it's the most painful thing I could do, yet I do it anyways. 

Do you have the journal? Remember our first time? Mammoth? Remember trips to the beach and Disneyland? Seeing movies late at night and going to get Indian food? Laughing uncontrollably and making love endlessly? None of that is altered by what happened yesterday. All of that is still very much valid and relevant. And it's what we could be again, if you'd just hear me out. I'm deeply sorry Flyer. I'll say it for the rest of my life. For everything. I freaked out. I reacted horribly. That doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. That doesn't mean we ever ever had a relationship that was anywhere near unhealthy, or even just bad. All it means is that while I've healed a lot, I'm not done yet. That's not a reason to end us, especially not like this. None of this is fair to either of us. We are incredible together. 

We deserve each other. 

-Beaskie

I'm sorry

Flyer I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did. I know it freaked you out. I would've been freaked out. I don't blame you. 

But don't let one day of a relapse define our entire relationship. Or define my character. Don't negate the immense healing and improvement I've gone through these past few years with you. I slipped up. I found out my grandpa has cancer and that the boy was definitely out of jail within the same hour that we started fighting. It was all just too much. I didn't react logically. 

Keep in mind, while speaking nonsense, I never was in danger. I never did anything to hurt myself. I've gotten better. 

Don't let your mom tell you I'm crazy. She doesn't know me or us the way you do. You're almost 21, you know what you need. You know these past few years have been fantastic and good for BOTH of us. You know we love each other with such a passion and such an intensity that we have become like magnets to each other. You know we're soul mates. 

-Beaskie

No words

There are no words that can describe what has happened. I do not know what happened. 

I was blindsided. I thought we were in love. I knew we were in love. Something changed your mind... Something I had no control over. 

That's not fair. 

You can do what's best for you. But in the mean time do you have to be so cruel to me? What did I do to deserve this? 

I've never been in this much pain. This hurts more than anything the other boy did. This even hurts more than losing my Grandma...

Why don't you care? Why can't we talk? Did someone brainwash you? Did someone pay you a lot of money to do this? This is so NOT the Flyer I know. This is the complete opposite. That's why I can't just let go. That's why I can't just give up. It's like my Flyer died and a mean, heartless one took over. I'm scared. I'm so hurt. 

I've never been so terrified in my life. 

Honestly Flyer...what happened...

And why are you refusing to tell me...

Absolutely zero percent of this makes any sense. 

-Beaskie 

Watching

Watching you sleep is one of my favorite things to do. 

You're so content. So relaxed. So peaceful. You're beautiful in every sense of the word. 

You're my person flyer. I never want to be without you. 

Watching you sleep makes me feel serene and joyous. It makes me feel loved and loving. It makes me feel like I have someone always, because I do. 

Watching you sleep fills me with love and care for you. I want to wrap my arms tightly around you and never let you go. I want to feel your breath on my skin, your heartbeat on my chest, your eyelashes flutter on my cheek, always. 

Watching you sleep... It's magical 

-Beaskie

Walking

Walking. 

Walking like I have a purpose. 

Walking like I have direction. 

Walking like I have a destination. 

I have no purpose. 

I have no direction. 

I have no destination. 

I don't know where I am or how I got here. 

-Beaskie

Don't understand.

So let's get this straight. 

You get mad at me for thinking I went on a date when clearly I didn't. And even if I did, do you have the right to be mad? 

And yet I see on your new Twitter you are favoriting porn. Do you remember what you told me when I came to visit you after you did what you did? That you were addicted to it, that that's the reason why you did it. I see you favoriting that stuff now... What do you expect me to think. 

You're making this harder than it has to be. I want to decide to be with you. You want me to decide to be with you don't you? Why are you trying to push me away? 

'Sorry'

Maybe you don't understand the impact what you two did had on me...

You came into my life when I was terrified of men. I was terrified of male teachers, of boys in my school, even of my own father or uncle or grandpa.
Literally terrified.

I believed that there was never going to be anyone who could make me stop being so afraid of them. I was afraid that all they would do was hurt me.

And you came along... and you convinced me that there was at least one man on this earth--you--who I shouldn't be afraid of. The reason for that being that you would never hurt me.

You convinced me that you would never hurt me when I had never been so sure of the fact that all men would hurt me.

You literally did the impossible.

And then you did what I was afraid of.

You hurt me.
Big time.
So much.
You don't know how much.

It took everything I had in me to not sink back into being terrified of men. Convincing myself of that, after you did what you did, was harder than going to court. It was harder than dealing with what he did to me. It. Took. Everything.

And it's fragile. I'm fragile. This is a very fragile subject and guess what? It will always be fragile. Even though I've forgiven you, even though I trust you now, even though it's been a year, it will always hurt. It will always be something that makes me mad and upset and hurt and alone.

But here's the thing. It doesn't have to be something we always fight about.
All you had to do was say "I'm sorry, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again" or "I understand why you're upset and I feel bad about that" or literally ANYTHING.

That's all it would've taken to avoid an argument.

But you told me "this has to stop."
You told me "this isn't fair for me to do."
You gave me reasons why my point was invalid, and you told me my feelings were wrong.

And you wonder why I don't feel like you love me...

My job, after what you did, was to work on forgiving you and trusting you again.
My job will never end.

Your job, after what you did, was to never ever give me a reason to doubt you, and to also constantly say your sorry when I need it, and to constantly remind me that you love me. Your job is not to criticize my feelings, or to fight with me about it, or to tell me "it has to stop" or "don't check my page." Those are excuses, those are things you say when you want to run from something.
Your job is to always make me feel loved and like I can trust you. Your job is to say you're sorry whenever I need it because you should never stop being sorry.

Your job will never end.

-Beaskie

This seems to be a trend--when I am anxious or upset I can't sleep or eat. 

I haven't slept in two days nor have I eaten a real meal. I'm very anxious...

And so confused. And scared. 

I love you deeply flyer. Please don't be hurt. Don't be mad. Try to understand. 

Everything about what we've talked about with me coming to see you is still true. We will do it all. I want that and I need that. I hope you do too. 

I really can't wait to see you. I wish that weekend would last forever. 

Have fun tonight. 

-Beaskie

Not okay.

I'm not okay. And either you actually are blind to it or you are choosing to ignore it but I haven't been okay all day. It's one of those nights that I don't want to sleep. It one of those nights where I want to do you know what. 

It's one of those nights, but you're in movie. You're busy. It's fine. 

It's just one of those nights. 

-Beaskie

Sleep

No sleep tonight. 

The guilt is eating me alive. I shouldn't feel guilty for something I think is going to help me, and us. But I do. 

Seeing you will be hard, because I'll want to change my mind and pretend like the distance doesn't exist.

But it does. And until that changes, I don't know how to be a good girlfriend to you. I don't know how to do us justice when the distance is holding me back. And that's not fair to either one of us. 

No. 

No sleep tonight. 

I miss you already 

-Beaskie

Please

Please just don't give up on us having a future. Keep that option open. It will always be an option for me. Us is always on my radar. Us is always a possibility. Us is what I want. Us is perfect and love and happy. Us is amazing. Us is something I will never give up on. 

Lost

Already I feel the pain. The pressure of the knife digging into my heart. I knew it would hurt. There's no way I could've prepared myself for this amount of pain, though. 

Already I feel the guilt. I never want to hurt you. That's not why I did this. I have never and will never do anything to hurt you. 

Already I feel despair. What you said makes me ache so much. Do you really feel like you wasted two years? These past two years have been the best two years of my life. I will cherish them dearly, forever. 

Already I feel confused. I love you so much. I want to marry you flyer. Nothing will ever change the fact that I want to be yours forever. Nothing. 

Already I feel hopeless. I still have so many wishes for us as a pair. I still have so many dreams. Don't give up on our dreams flyer. Please. 

Already I feel disappointed. This is not how I wanted things to go. This is not what I wished for. This is the opposite. 

Already I feel empty. You fill me with so much joy and excitement. The memory of your touch, your kiss, your magnificent smile fills me up with happiness. The memory of our last conversation challenges that happiness. 

Already I feel depressed. It will take everything I've got in me to not cut, or worse...

Already I feel lost. Where will this new turn in my road lead me? Where am I now, without you? I have no wishes to move forward. I have no wishes to move at all. Not without you. 

If feel lost. I feel the pain. I feel the guilt. I feel despair, confused, hopeless, disappointed, empty, and depressed. 

Already if feel all these emotions. But they will never conflict with the immense love I have felt for you for so long. A love that will never, ever, fade. A love that lasts to the moon and back a hundred million thousand times. 

A love that, I hope, you haven't already lost. 

-Beaskie 

I love you. 

Dream

I had the worst dream last night. 

We didn't break, but we basically hated each other. We fought and we fought, and we both did things we would never do. We ended up trying to kill each other.

That's what I'm scared of happening. The fighting. The doing things we wouldn't normally do just because we resent the other person. 

I want a life with you. But not that way. 

-Beaskie

Bliss

Sitting

Sitting here. Listening, to the calm. Listening to the world still alive, no matter how late. A cool breeze comes through the windows. Followed by the sounds of birds in the distance. Despite it being 2:21 am. You sleep. I cant. No I'm sitting. Next to you, just waiting. Im not sure for what, but I am here. The way your house creeps with the wind. The warmth of you next to me. The hint of cherry blossom coming from you. A helicopter whirling in the distance. Its bliss.

Do you remember this? I do. It saved my life.

Maybe a break will bring this bliss back...

Does it need to be brought back? Has it escaped us? Are we lacking bliss? Are you?

I feel bliss when I'm with you.

But only when I'm with with you. Waiting...in waiting there is no bliss. 

Do you remember all those nights? In my room? You don't do that anymore. Should you? A big part of me wishes you would.

Do you remember the bridge? Those things I said to you, the way you held my hand for the first time, the drive up to your spot, the endless silence that we shared everything with. 

Do you remember falling in love with me?

I'm still falling in love with you.

-Beaskie

Terrified

Losing you terrifies me. But so does staying with you. 

Realistically, we might not be physically together for over ten years. 

That means we shouldn't be together. 

I'm tired of being alone. Of being lonely. I need people. I need someone. I need love. 

Here. With me. Now. 

I can no longer be in love with the idea of love. I need it to be real, and alive, and current, and present. 

I also need you to care more than you do. It doesn't seem like these feelings of mine worry you at all. 

Have you been wanting this? Do you want this? Want us? Want me?

I want us. I need us. But I don't know if I can have us. 

-Beaskie