Not myself

I'm forgetting things

I feel sick

I can't eat

I'm scared

I'm tired

I'm not myself. 

I'm not myself without you. 

This better work. 

-Beaskie

T

You know nothing about me. You think reading my blog is gonna help you understand me? Maybe if we were friends you would understand me. But we aren't. I don't want to be. Precisely because you don't understand me. You asked me all those questions last night just so you could have the chance to tell me that I'm wrong. You didn't care what my answer was, you just wanted an excuse to say no actually it's your fault. Well you can stop blaming me right now because I can tell you straight up it's you who fucked up, and like I said before, if you can't see that you're lying to yourself. Me not being there for you as a friend? I never changed how I acted towards you. And when I ask for examples of how I did "change" you can't come up with any, proving my point. So if you think I wasn't there for you then you are the one who changed your expectations when you knew I wasn't nearly in the right place to meet them. I'm not sorry about anything that happened, except that I'm sorry you stopped understanding me. And T, we did grow apart. You went to college and we never saw each other. You can't deny that fact. I'm actually doing great, so stop worrying about someone who doesn't need or want your pity. I'm doing better than I ever have before. 

Also, don't you dare give me any fucking advice about being myself. From my experience you are the queen of pretending. 

Now, stop reading my blog. 

-Beaskie

I feel like you're already starting to let go of me...

The fact that you're okay makes me happy, and makes me have hope, but also really, really hurts. 

Really. 

I'm so scared of not being with you. You saw that last night... 

Help me. What do I do. How do I somehow keep you, because that's all I want. 

-Beaskie

Insanity

This is insane to me...
We will be 15 minutes away from each other. You know how rare that is! Not miles, MINUTES! And yet you are saying we can't spend that time together. We can't spend that time going on dates and walking in the park and doing all the things we put on our list.
What about our list...
What about all our plans? What about my parents helping out with money so you could come to Bass Lake?
What about spending all the time we have together?

What about me?...

What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the summer?! I do NOTHING just so I can wait for YOU! I'm just going to lie in my bed and cry... literally. I see no other options.

I don't think I'm overreacting here. I'm probably underreacting. My feelings are real, flyer. I'm not making this up. I wasn't forcing myself to cry to get you to change your mind last night. Those were REAL tears. And what I'm feeling is REAL pain.

Pain.

So. Much. Pain.

There's too much pain in this relationship...
Please, make it stop.
Just make the pain stop.

Please...

This is turning out to be one of the worst summers I've ever had.

-Beaskie

What Needed To Be Said

I wish I hadn't gone up to nd after it happened.
I wish I hadn't kissed you.
I wish I hadn't lied next to you.
I wish none of it had happened.
I wish I had been mean. And cold. And refused to see you or talk to you.
I wish I had slapped you.
I wish I had yelled at you more and punched her.
I wish I had given you the idea that no, it's not okay.
I wish I had given you that idea in the first place...
I wish I had been enough to get it through your thick skull that cheating is actually not okay.
I wish I had been enough to get you to stop watching and to start living in the real world.
I wish I would stop blaming myself so much...

I wish I hadn't trusted you so much the first time.
I wish I didn't ever give you "permission".
I wish I had been more selfish and less in love.
I wish you had been smarter than that.
I wish you hadn't taken advantage of me, repeatedly.

Sometimes... I wish I had just ended it then and there.

-Beaskie

Who knows what to call these things anymore...

Brother, you haven't written back yet. You said you would be better. So be better...

Flyer, you won't talk about the split. When I bring it up you shut down and that's not fair to me. We can't pretend it won't happen. I guess you'd rather talk about it over text...

I'm still depressed. I still have bad days. The only thing that's changed is that I hide them now, because I'm ashamed of them. I pretend I'm fine--something I'm very good at, an art I have mastered. I'm obviously very good at it because from what I can tell you haven't noticed. I'm ashamed to be depressed after a year and a half. That's too long. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I just get over this already? My therapist is keeping me on medication for my entire freshmen year. Maybe longer.

Will I ever be normal again?

-Beaskie

Thoughts

It's nights and days like these where I can just forget about the split altogether and pretend it won't happen. Then I remember once you leave and it all comes crashing down on me.

Do you still feel pushed? I'm trying my best to make sure you don't. You don't deserve that and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. 

I do trust you. Just not 100% quite yet. 

Have you thought about what I want you to do?

I love you. 

-Beaskie

Hate it

I hate it.

It makes me jealous. It makes me curious. It makes me angry and doubtful and upset and hurt and nosy. 

If make me that girl. That girl who doesn't let her boyfriend go to parties. That girl who wants to know who he talked to and for how long and what was said. It makes me want to say you can't. It makes me that girl. 

I hate being that girl. 

But you've left me no choice. 

And I hate it. 

-Beaskie

Not happy.

Depression fucking sucks. 

I'm where I've always wanted to go, and I'm sad out of my mind. All I want to do is sleep and waste my time in this gorgeous city. I'm secluding myself from my family and not smiling at all. 

This isn't fair...

Why won't it stop...

Do I need even more meds...

What's college gonna be like...

Am I totally screwed forever...

Sure as hell feels like it. 

-Beaskie

You're wrong...

You've never been so wrong. 

I didn't crack a smile all day, and I was tanning by the goddamn mediterannean. I didn't smile because all I could do was think about how much I'm going to miss you. And I didn't crack a smile because as soon as I'd move my face I began to cry. 

I threw a fit this morning. A literal fit. As soon as we hung up I fell to pieces. 

I was adamant because we can't go on like this... You know it too you just don't want to admit it. But we both realize that something is terribly wrong. I'd rather try this split and hope it works than try to stay together and crash and burn. The only reason I'm not in a constant puddle of tears is I keep reminding myself that this has to happen, and it's for the better. 

I hate this more than I hated going to court. 

You've never been so wrong. 

-Beaskie