I wonder if you'll read this...

I miss you...

You don't talk to me. You don't hear me either. I don't understand. 

One day, one day I might stop waiting. 

And what happens when that time occurs? How will we ever be brother and sister again? How will things ever be normal again? I don't know the answer, and I'm scared to find it out. 

I'm just plain confused. Telling me you need time didn't make sense. It wasn't enough. I don't know if I'm asking for too much right now but I'm asking regardless.

I just miss you. I miss having a brother. 

In all honesty, we never have been very close. But now, with everything I was going through, I thought maybe this would be our time. But it's not, apparently. 

When will it be our time?

I'm going through some pretty major changes in my life right now. Really significant ones. And you aren't here to meet the new me.

If you never knew the old me, how long will it take you to get to know the new me? The longer we wait, the harder it gets. 

If I had one wish, I would have my big brother at my graduation. 

-Beaskie  

Valentine's Day

The way your dorm smells
The way your lips feel on my forehead
The way your arms tense around me
The way you say "good" when I say I'm okay
The way your heart sounds as it's beating
The way you hold my hand
The way you pick me up and carry me through snow
The way you pause your movies and video games for me
The way you sold your gun for me
The way you stick up for me
The way you're always on my side
The way you call me your wife
The way you smell in the mornings
The way you stroke my back
The way you put your head on top of mine when you hug me
The way you remember little things and ask me about them
The way you pay attention
The way you talk to me
The way you lie down next to me
The way you see me, not just look at me
The way you listen and the way you respond
The way you laugh so carelessly and openly
The way you take on new challenges with a smile on your face
The way you smile...
The way you bought me a ring
The way you always remind me that the sun is shining somewhere
The way you write me poems
The way you tell me everything
The way you listen to me telling you everything
The way you love me.
The way we love.

Last year you carved me a hummingbird, and we drove around with sunflowers and starbucks, and we gave a carnation a rose, and we were determined not to fall in love, even though it was already too late for both of us.

This year you're 1603.1 miles away, and you are coming home soon, and we are going through a tough time because we are trying to be the amazing couple we used to tell ourselves we would never be.

I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
It's Valentine's Day your time, but I love you all the time.

Can you feel my kisses from California? Can you hear me telling you I need you from across the country? I'm saying it loud and clear.

My love, my soulmate, my hero. My boo, my baby, my stud muffin.
My everything, where would I be with out you?

-Yours always

Funk

I hate when this happen. I just get into a mood. Something reminds me of something and it's just that easy to slip.

I always tell myself I'm strong, but then something gets to me and I become weak again. I was happy all day, then I remembered it's your birthday in a few days. And I got into a funk

And then someone cheated on someone in my TV show. And I got deeper into my funk.

And then his face pops up in an old picture.

And now I'm stuck...

-Beaskie

No Idea

I'm so conflicted when it comes to doing...those...things with you.

One one hand, it feels totally natural. It's what we are comfortable with and I love that about us.

One the other hand, I feel like you don't yet deserve to have that side of me yet. But that's insane, nobody deserves it more than you do.

I feel like we should wait on principle. But is that even necessary? Maybe I'm not comfortable with it now because I always need to be held and kissed afterwards, and you can't do that right now. Maybe when we are together we will just fall back into place and it will happen and be amazing like it always is. Maybe it will help us.

Maybe I honestly have no idea...

-Beaskie

Thoughts About Flying

This one's for you. Read it at your own risk.

I'm scared I'll want to break up with you. I'm scared someone else will come along and make me think that they can make me feel the way you used to make me feel and I'll believe them. I'm scared to fall out of love with you.
Everything I thought we were was wrong. It's not so much what you did that hurts, it's how you reacted to it. I thought we could be open, and honest, and pure. I thought we could be good people to each other.
I thought you were one of the good guys.

I'm not saying you can never be a good guy again. But right now, you're not. And for lack of a better word, that sucks.
A lot.

This is depressing. And it hurts. And it's interesting and odd and unusual. It's putting me out of my comfort zone and it's painfully making me stronger. It's preparing me for the fact that no matter how much I want someone to be perfect, they won't be. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Because I'm not perfect and I don't want someone to expect me to be.

You have to get me to fall in love with you again. That should be your goal. I'm not saying that I don't love you, because I do and always will. I'm saying I have to fall for you again. And again, and again.

And again...

And again...

-Beaskie

An Overdue Response

At this point in time, I'm not exactly sure where we stand.
Should we still be friends?
Being brutally honest, you're acting like my old "friends".
Depression is NOT a choice. People who think it is are ignorant and can't help those who need it.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to be ignorant about depression. I wish I was.
I never said I don't care about you. I never said I don't miss you. And I never said I don't love you, so please don't put those words in my mouth. I do care about you, and miss you, and love you. I always will.
I did not manipulate you. Don't flatter yourself. I had no where near the amount of energy and strength it takes to manipulate someone (and trust me, I know what that's like. You were not being manipulated). And I would never do what the boy did to me to someone else. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and you are far from my worst enemy.
I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you lately. But your words have deeply hurt me, and I don't know if you know why. Which just makes it hurt more.
I'm not as well-off as you must think I am. You think it's now your turn to be damaged. I never said you couldn't be damaged, but you need to understand that my battle still isn't over.
I'm still on medication. I'm still infected with this disease that's taken over my life. It takes so much time and patience to eradicate it completely, and I'm fragile still. I'm sorry if I mislead you in believing that I was fine. Don't get me wrong, I am exponentially better than I was last year.
But that doesn't mean I'm 100% again. I truly wish I was, for the both of us.
Some of the ideas you hold, I'm not sure where they came from. I don't remember lying to you, I don't remember judging you. I do remember pushing you away--just like I pushed everyone away--and I apologize for that. Honestly, I do.
Maybe right now, we aren't good for each other. But maybe right now, we are all each other needs.
I have no idea.

Do you?

-Beaskie