My Bittersweet Muse

I wish you knew.

Yesterday I said to myself “I love my life”
I chuckled
Today I almost ran away
I panicked

I don’t deserve this

You don’t understand
How you can want something so little
And need it so much
You couldn’t

You need someone
Who is more... you

I move
You make sound
We compliment each other
We don’t need each other

I wish someone needed me.

What I’m saying is I wish I had the courage to tell you.

Courage.

The capability to live with a bittersweet life.

Sometimes I hate me when I’m with you.
Not good.

It’s been over a week since I’ve cried.
Not good.

I have big goals
I have little goals
I still have no direction, no sense of self, no true beacon, no consistent muse.

Where does all of this leave us?
I wish someone could answer that.
I wish someone would figure it out for me.
I wish you’d just...

Distraction

Who knew I would become this person? Seeing boys all the time, going on dates with people I know I have no future with, hooking up with guys I know I may never see again.

It doesn't make sense to me...why I do this. It leaves me feeling more empty every time.

Maybe it's all just a distraction...

Pleasure

I'm glad you're happy. 

There are things I never said and now I can't. The main thing is, really, that every time you said "I'm hoping I stop being attracted to you" or "I'm getting closer to not wanting you" was like a knife in my stomach. You expect to be over me completely by the summer. At least that's what you "hope". 

I understand, obviously, why you want that. But you don't have to tell me all the time. You don't have to remind me that you just can't wait until you don't want me anymore. You just can't wait, can't you? 

I think about it a lot... How our lips fit together, how our tongues tasted on each other's mouths, how your body melted into mine as we fit like we were created to touch each other. Regardless of any feelings I have for you, that might never change—how our bodies just naturally stimulate and caress one another. How we know each other's wants and needs inside and out and can easily fulfil them. How we make each other squirm with pleasure. 

The fact that you can't wait until all of that has disappeared is disheartening, and it stings. I wonder if it's true that you really want all of that to vanish into thin air. It's such a marvel how we can do that to each other. I will always cherish it. 

Can this really happen? Friends with benefits, no strings attached? We still love each other, but it's so, so different now. I'm not sure what to consider us. I'm not sure how to label it. So therefore I'm not sure how to act. What are the rules?? We both lie and say we don't get jealous. We both skirt around the elephant in the room which is what happens if one of us finds someone else. We both pretend we know what we are doing when we are actually lost. I like this, even though I don't know what this is. I wish I knew what this was, but I have no clue. Do you? 

Like

I like you...

I haven't felt comfortable with anyone else yet except you.

You're just...nice. 

I'm scared. I don't want to like anybody. I just want to be alone. 

But there you are...being nice...and likeable. 

Maybe it's good you're leaving soon. That gives me a solid reason to stop liking you. 

But it also sucks. 

I wish I didn't like you. 

But I do. 

-Beaskie

Blood

I was riding on the train and I had my hand on the window sill. There was a piece of metal that was sticking out and on a bump my arm slipped into it. It stung and hurt through my sweater. 

I liked it...

I'm scared that I still feel relief from sharp pain. I have been cutting my nails every day to keep from digging them into my skin. 

I didn't move my arm until someone pointed out the blood. 

I don't understand. Why is this still something I do? I'm so happy and feel fulfilled. I smile and sing to the radio and dance constantly and laugh a lot.

I'm actually happy.

How is that not enough? I'm still feeling relief and solace in self inflicted pain. 

What if I want to cut. Should I reach out to you? Do you still want to help me through that?

I miss my best friend. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get that piece back. 

-Beaskie

That's it?

I miss you.

I didn't say I miss us, I said I miss you.
We talked so much for years and years. And now what, it's just over? Poof? Gone?

Gone.

Your blog isn't for me anymore. You deleted everything you ever wrote about me. Now it's for her.

You couldn't have started a new blog...?

Do you see why I feel instantly replaced?

I just read "Don't Read This".

Sounds like that't it... Sounds like you're just done caring about me. Sounds like you really want nothing to do with me.

Am I right?

I do feel like you stringed me along. I feel like I shouldn't have made myself so available to you because it was very obvious that you loved her but still wanted me, or what I could give you. I shouldn't have given you that. You were already done loving me.

I wonder what you did with that journal. I don't know what I'd do with it. It would probably kill me to see it. It's yours anyways, so I guess I don't need to worry about it.

What happened to still being friends?

I know we shouldn't be together. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I miss you. Having you in my life. I really don't want to lose that and I'm terrified that I already have.

Have I? Lost you?

Will I?

I'll stop reading your blog now.

-Beaskie