Blood

I was riding on the train and I had my hand on the window sill. There was a piece of metal that was sticking out and on a bump my arm slipped into it. It stung and hurt through my sweater. 

I liked it...

I'm scared that I still feel relief from sharp pain. I have been cutting my nails every day to keep from digging them into my skin. 

I didn't move my arm until someone pointed out the blood. 

I don't understand. Why is this still something I do? I'm so happy and feel fulfilled. I smile and sing to the radio and dance constantly and laugh a lot.

I'm actually happy.

How is that not enough? I'm still feeling relief and solace in self inflicted pain. 

What if I want to cut. Should I reach out to you? Do you still want to help me through that?

I miss my best friend. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get that piece back. 

-Beaskie