Sharp

I'm still uncomfortable with us. I have to swallow the bitter taste in my mouth after we talk, after I say "I love you, too."It's still hard for me. I don't want you to feel like I don't love you, because I do, so I try not to bring it up. But that's really hard for me, too.
I want to smile for you.
I want to laugh for you.
I want you to forgive yourself, even though I haven't forgiven you yet. I will, I just haven't yet, and I might not until I see you.
You're just too good to be true... So the fact that I was sharing you for a while without me knowing about it scares me, because as I hold on to you, I, in reality, don't even have a grip...

I had a dream the other night. She isn't in my dreams any more, it's just me and you. Only I asked you why you love me and you did two things. You corrected me--loveD*, not love. And you couldn't give me an answer. You said you had no idea...
This is why I haven't been sleeping.

I've been happier recently. I'm out of the hole. It was scary, but it put my limited happiness in perspective.

You're the only person sharp enough to sharpen me.

I choose you, Flyer. I'll choose you over and over again. I'll choose you every morning when I wake up and every night as I fall asleep.
I'll choose you every day of my life, if you'll choose me, too.

-Beaskie

Help me.

I can't move.
The words that have been said
Scar me.
The words that have been left unsaid
Scar me.
Why is it that when I reach out for help
I get anger.
Or worse,
Nothing.
I'm still weak from my attack,
As much as I hate to admit that.
I can't do this on my own,
My support system has been cut in half.
It was already so small to begin with
If I reached out to you...
It's a big deal.
I don't like to do that.
It takes courage I don't have.
And strength I need to preserve.
So please,
If I reached out to you...

Help me.

-Beaskie

So close....

I was so fucking close.

I was 

SO

FUCKING

CLOSE!!!!!!!

Now what? I have a boyfriend who I can barely talk to, a best friend who is disappointed in me, and all I'm wishing is to be dead again. I'm wishing I was back in the hole, because there I don't feel anything. I don't give a shit if my life is falling apart. 

But I got out of that hole, so now I give a shit.

A whole lot of good that's done me.

I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE! 

THIS IS NOT FAIR!

I CAN'T HAVE THIS AGAIN! I WON'T!

You know what. No. I can't do this.

-Beaskie

Sleepless...

Another sleepless night, filled with body racking sobs. Will it ever stop?
It's not just you--I'm in pain for many reasons. Two other things are weighing down my soul, causing it to suffocate.

I can now say my ex boyfriend is going to jail for what he did to me.

My brother didn't even call my sister on her 15th birthday.

And then this, too.

I have to get some sleep one of these days. You always helped me to fall asleep. Everything is backwards--the more I say it the truer it sounds.

I can't wait 'til we can look back on this and see it as a way we grew closer. It needs to be behind us, not in front of us.

Another sleepless night...

-Beaskie

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yKyOo7aajAo

Grateful

I'm grateful you. I'm grateful that we can have problems like this and still love each other. I'm grateful that you're understanding when I'm hurt. I'm grateful that you don't hit me. I'm grateful that you don't scream at me. I'm grateful that you aren't him. I'm grateful that you don't call me names and belittle me. I'm grateful that we can work things out. I'm grateful that you are going to surprise me. I'm grateful that you love me. I'm grateful that you are sorry. I'm grateful that you and her are over. I'm grateful that we can communicate.

I'm grateful for you. In a weird way, I'm grateful for this, too.

-Beaskie

Normal

I want things to go back to normal between us, I really do...
But, I think that will take quite a while. We need to build up trust again. Everything's been turned around and even if we turn it back the right way we'll still be dizzy from the changes. I don't know how long it will take...I know that if you weren't so far away maybe it would make it easier.

This is a deal or no deal situation. Her or me, no exeptions. I can't share you anymore.

I won't.

-Beaskie

Alone

I can't take this...the pain...
It hurts more than I thought it ever would.
I want to end it. End me.

I really just can't handle this pain anymore. Why? Why do I have to feel this? What is the reason behind it? Is there any reason at all!!?

I do miss you. But it hurts too much. I feel...

Alone.

-Beaskie

Explosion

My eyes are dry now. They ran out of tears.
Everything feels backwards. This is not what I'm used to. I want to talk to you about this, but I can't and I won't.
No, I don't want to. It's too painful.
My ground is suddenly unstable, and I can't stop my head from spinning. I never saw this coming.
The pain has lasted since it happened...and it's been quite a while. I kept that pain in because I knew you were feeling it too, and I didn't want to add to it. I did what you do--I held it all in until I couldn't take it anymore and it finally exploded. Only it exploded inside of me, so now my insides are covered with the painful residue of the explosion. I'm tainted with it.

I hate her.

-Beaskie

Letter

My eyes are wet. They have been for a while.

I wrote you a letter. It should come on Monday. I put a lot of thought into it, so please, please, put a lot of thought into your response. That's when I want to talk again, after you've read it.
I'm not abandoning you.

-Beaskie

The Makings of You, Your Eyes

I've been listening to these songs all night. I'm not getting any sleep either. Sleeping brings nightmares of being alone, and I can't handle those.
I've crawled back into my dark place. I almost cut last night.
I haven't said those words in a long time.
I know you're sorry. I know this hurts.

You're not going through this alone.

-Beaskie

Reply To You

Say it on here, if you must.
You'll be receiving word from me soon.
This is all I can handle.