Today was absolutely perfect. And I am happy.
My family is beautiful--those who are and aren't related. They love me like a family should, only more. They are heartfelt and sincere. They are absolutely perfect. I have so much respect and fondness for all of them, and I realized today that I need them more than I ever thought I did, and then some.
I finally got to hear Flyer's voice today. 76 more days till I can see him again (well, almost 75). He will take this new life by storm, and I'm so proud to be able to watch him do it. He is absolutely perfect.
And I finally got to hear your voice, too. It's been months. We both sounded pretty fake, if you ask me. We must talk soon, I have a feeling we both have a lot to say.
Today was absolutely perfect. Today was the start of a new year, and a new life. I have a good feeling about this. I have a feeling that I'll make it.
And I am happy.
-Beaskie
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Girl
I regret so much. I've told you already, but maybe you don't understand...
I regret holding back for so long. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was an unstoppable force that would overcome me no matter what. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was what would save my life. So I held it back for months. And now I wish more than anything that we had those months. We are down to days...and I'm scared. How could I not be?
Are you?
Tell me.
--
Today I was her. The girl. And I treated you like him. The boy. Because when I was being the girl with the boy, I was programmed to do certain things to get certain results. The girl had been programmed to do everything in her power to get the boy's attention. So the girl would try and try with conversation and surprises and gifts and complements and love and the boy wouldn't pay attention to her. It became clear that the boy wanted one thing and one thing only, and that was the only way the girl would ever get his attention. So the girl did it, over and over and over again, because she was programmed to get the boy's attention and that was the only way how. And soon it became normal. Soon it was programmed--the only way to get not just the boy's, but any boy's attention, was to do that. And so today, I wanted your attention. And I did it. And it worked. And I didn't even think twice about it.
But you're not the boy. When you found out all I wanted was your attention, you chuckled at how hard I tried.
You don't have to do that. Just ask! I'll give you all the attention you need.
Stop me, next time. If you're not paying attention to me, and I start to do that. Because odds are, that's the only reason I'm doing it.
I'm scared to think that this has happened a lot, with out me ever thinking twice about it. I think I have done this before with you, many times, and neither of us knew it.
So stop me next time. I want to not be her. I must get rid of the boy, but I can't do that if I'm still the girl. And I don't think I can erase the girl with out some help.
Will you help me?
-Beaskie
I regret holding back for so long. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was an unstoppable force that would overcome me no matter what. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was what would save my life. So I held it back for months. And now I wish more than anything that we had those months. We are down to days...and I'm scared. How could I not be?
Are you?
Tell me.
--
Today I was her. The girl. And I treated you like him. The boy. Because when I was being the girl with the boy, I was programmed to do certain things to get certain results. The girl had been programmed to do everything in her power to get the boy's attention. So the girl would try and try with conversation and surprises and gifts and complements and love and the boy wouldn't pay attention to her. It became clear that the boy wanted one thing and one thing only, and that was the only way the girl would ever get his attention. So the girl did it, over and over and over again, because she was programmed to get the boy's attention and that was the only way how. And soon it became normal. Soon it was programmed--the only way to get not just the boy's, but any boy's attention, was to do that. And so today, I wanted your attention. And I did it. And it worked. And I didn't even think twice about it.
But you're not the boy. When you found out all I wanted was your attention, you chuckled at how hard I tried.
You don't have to do that. Just ask! I'll give you all the attention you need.
Stop me, next time. If you're not paying attention to me, and I start to do that. Because odds are, that's the only reason I'm doing it.
I'm scared to think that this has happened a lot, with out me ever thinking twice about it. I think I have done this before with you, many times, and neither of us knew it.
So stop me next time. I want to not be her. I must get rid of the boy, but I can't do that if I'm still the girl. And I don't think I can erase the girl with out some help.
Will you help me?
-Beaskie
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Admit
I love you, so much. And I am so sorry about last night.
I hate admitting this. Because I keep telling myself it isn't true. But I guess I can't lie like that anymore.
I'm still terrified of you. Absolutely terrified. Because I still confuse you with him. And when you say things like that...do you want to...that's him. That's how it started the first time. That's how he tricked me, how I fell completely head first into the hell hole that was rape. And you said it and then you became him and then I...
That's why I need to hear your voice. I need to be reminded that it's you and not him. And what you did, after you turned into him, was perfect. You reassured me that neither of us were ready, that we should wait until marriage, that you love me. And you held me. And that was what made you you, and took him away from you in my mind. You held me. I need that. All the time. Before, during, and after. And I need your voice, and your face. Before, during, and after.
I'm sorry if this is too much to ask...but it's the truth. And I have to admit to myself that I'm not over being terrified
of men,
of him,
of you.
I thought because you are so perfect, I wouldn't be scared anymore. But I'm still terrified, an I probably always will be. But don't change what you do, you are perfect. And I love you.
-Beaskie
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