Bodies

There is nothing to do. I just stare at the wall. Nothing is ever satisfying. I don't feel better. I have conversations through closed doors. I stare and I do not see. I don't try. I have to remind myself to blink, and to breathe. I leave, but I don't go anywhere. I wander but I don't search. I have no purpose.

How wasteful.

Someone with a purpose could have had this body. Someone who would fight. Someone who would change lives. Someone who would not only search but find, not only see but understand. Someone who would never let the door close in the first place. Someone who would feel better. Someone who wouldn't forget to breathe or blink.

Someone who would try.

Someone with a purpose.

But instead, I got this body. 

And now I'm wasting it.

-Beaskie

Today

Well.

The big day is here.

Scared.

Shittless.

Still wishing you were here...

-Beaskie

Response

I feel like I am becoming a different person.
Quickly.
I'm more upfront with people. My filter is diminishing, but not in an inappropriate way. In a finally-being-able-to-say-what-I-used-to-be-too-scared-to-say way. I feel bad doing it sometimes but eventually I realize that if everyone just said what they were actually thinking, people would finally get somewhere.
There's a saying that goes something like people don't listen to understand, they listen to respond.
I agree.
But I'm making my own saying.
People don't say things to communicate, they say things to receive an expected response. 
So I'm tired of saying things because I know what kind of response I'll get. That gets you nowhere, considering you learn nothing new about the person if the response you get is anticipated. You can uncover a great deal of insight about a person by experiencing reactions you don't previously anticipate or mold your diction to purposefully receive, but rather experiencing reactions you would have never been able to guess, and--most importantly--didn't try to.
So I blurt out what is really on my mind now. And you know what? I've learned so much about the people in my life--family, friends, and even complete strangers.
The most shocking thing I've learned?
They all say things to receive an expected response. They don't say things to communicate.

Maybe that's why I feel like none of them really know me.

-Beaskie

Permanence

You make me melt. It's euphoric, as you say. I agree.
You never know how much you miss a person until they come back. I missed you immensely.
You said, "I feel one with you."
I feel one with you, too.
You said, "I will take care of you."
I will take care of you, too.
You said, "I want to be your rock."
You are my rock. You are my rock and so much more.
I will be your rock, too.
I say this over and over--because it's just so true-- it always feels like the first and last time with you.
Every kiss feels as exciting as the very first time we ever kissed did.
On the bench, under the stars, two years ago.
Every kiss feels as passionate as the last kiss we will ever have.
Exciting. Passionate.
Every touch sends chills throughout my entire being.
The good kind of chills, that is.
We bring out the oddest quirks in each other.
We bring out the deepest darkness in each other.
Whenever something is funny, I always look for you, to see if you think it's funny too.
Even if you're not there. I always look for you.
And whenever something is sad, I always look for you, to see if you are looking for me, to try to take the sadness away.

You always are.

There seems to always be a "but" in every relationship.
Something that reminds you that no one is perfect. That you probably won't last much longer. That you're only in high school, or college, or whatever. That nothing is every as happy as it seems.
I had been searching for that "but" for a very long time now.
I used to think it was just something I hadn't found yet.
But now I think it doesn't exist.
I was searching for the "but" because the absence of it was terrifying. It meant possible permanence.
Permanence used to be terrifying. Because in my world, the promise of permanence always seemed to be broken.
But because there is no "but", permanence seems like an actual possibility, not just a promise.
Permanence is good.
Permanence is what people look for. What they deserve. What is rare, and, when found, cherished.
I was looking for the "but".
I was doing things backwards.
I didn't realize that you have to look for the permanence, not the "but".
And once I realized that,
I also realized

I had already found it.


-Beaskie

Stop.

It has to stop.

The regret.

The "I'm Sorry"s

It makes it hurt so much more.

What I did...it was hard. Harder than hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. 

So you can't regret it. You can't say you're sorry for it. You can't wish it never happened. Because then it would all be for nothing. The pain. And the pain was so much, it can't all be for nothing.

If you are happy it happened, if it helped you in any way, if it somehow made things better in however small a way, tell me. Or if it didn't...tell me it anyways. Because the pain couldn't have been for nothing.

The hardest thing I've ever done. 

Please tell me it wasn't all for nothing.

-Beaskie

I Can Hear You

Everybody treats me like a child.

I can't be trusted to stay home alone, says mom. I'm worrying because you've been in bed all day and [apparently] the thought of you staying in bed for the rest of the day is terrifying, says mom. I don't want to leave you here alone like this, says mom. Like what, mom? I'm in my bed. I'm perfectly safe. It's summer. There's no harm in sleeping all day. But no, says mom, I can't be trusted to stay home alone. I'm calling Flyer, says mom. He'll take care of you when you're home alone today. I can trust him. But no, I can't trust you.

I can't be trusted to take my medication on my own, says dad. I'll take care of giving you your medication, and be sure you never take anything more than the right dose, says dad. I won't tell you where the medication is, just for your own protection, says dad. Protection from what, dad? You're not always around when I need something, and it'd be nice if once and a while I could self-diagnose when I need some help fighting off the demons. But no, says dad. I can't be trusted to take my medication on my own. I'll tell mom where I keep the medication. And I'll tell sister where I keep the medication. I can trust them. But no, I can't trust you.

I can't be trusted to be on my own for a week, says brother. I'll make arrangements for your mother to come with you while you stay here, just in case, says brother. Just in case what, brother? I'll be gone from 7 am to 8 pm every day. You'll never even have to see me. But no, says brother. I can't be trusted to be on my own for a week. I'll have mom come with you. I can trust her. But no, I can't trust you.

Everybody treats me like I'm deaf, too.

They all stand around, eyeing me as they carry on with their conversations about how they worry because I can't be trusted to stay home alone and take my medication on my own and to be on my own for a week.

HELLO

I can hear you.
I'm right here.
AND GUESS WHAT
I have a surprise for you.

I can be trusted
     to stay home alone
     to take my medication on my own
     to be on my own for a week

I'm not deaf.
I hear every last word you say.

Stop with the pity-party.
Stop with the "being like this" and the "for your own protection" and the "just in case".
It's all bull shit.

And the fact that you think I haven't noticed, that I haven't caught on.

That's the worst of it all.

-Beaskie

Silence.

Words don't come as they used to.

They come to my head, rapidly, without pause. 

But are left unsaid.

I feel silent.

I haven't spoken of the deep and terrible things.

I haven't spoken of my hidden tinge of jealousy, and insecurity, and fear of loss.

I haven't spoken of my long to end a relationship that has grown tired and strained.

I haven't spoken of the hands that haven't left my neck for weeks.

I haven't spoken of the terrifying need I hold for you.

I haven't spoken of my undying wish to be dead, and be born anew. 

I haven't spoken of the demons haunting my soul the moment I slip into sleep.

I haven't spoken of my fear of you, which has grown exponentially as we become closer.

The words have just stopped.

I'm simply too tired to keep conversation.

I'm simply too tired to strain my mind with the search for words that will always inevitably fail me.

I'm simply too tired to process the conflicted emotions I hold towards you.

I'm simply too tired.

-Beaskie

All Day

Lying in bed.

Silent.

Can't eat.

Can't sleep.

Hoping you'll just show up.

Can't move.

Can't think.

Thinking hurts too much.

Came out of nowhere.

Consumes my mind.

Lying in bed.

All day.

Becoming the furniture.

Waiting.

For what?

For who?

Who is you.

All day.

Please come.

I have become part of the furniture.

-Beaskie

A Big Part Of Me

I feel like I'm going crazy.

It's making me obsessed. I can't get it out of my head.

The worst part is I can't decide if I want to know when it happens or not. If I decide I don't want to know I'll always be curious, but if I decide I do want to know then I'll regret it the second I find out.

A very big part of me wants us to stop until you and her are figured out. I feel like I'm becoming part of this situation and I'm not--this is strictly between you and her, I have nothing to do with it. Being with you with it on my mind is hard, but would being without you make it any easier? I hate being without you. I love you. But could that be easier for us both?

I don't know. Like I said, a big part of me wants to find out.

What do you think?

-Beaskie

Ghost

Do you remember when the walls fell

Do you remember the sound that the door made when you close it on me

Do you know that I went down to the ground

Landed on both my broken-hearted knees

I didn't even cry

Cause pieces of me had already died.

I'm a ghost.

...I keep trying to scream but my tongue has finally lost its sound 

...I don't cry

I don't try anymore 

I am lost

Broken down the middle of my heart

You know you make me a ghost.

-Beaskie

Seven Years

Yeah, I did tell you sometimes I think you should. But I didn't say you would lose me for it...I said I would understand. Frankly I deserve it. And I don't own you. You wouldn't lose me for that. Honestly, losing me would be impossible. If you don't, don't let the reason be me. I have nothing to do with this.


I got a call from an old childhood friend today, telling me he's visiting over the summer for the first time in seven years and wanted to see me.
I haven't seen him for seven years.
What am I supposed to tell him?
I wonder if I can get away with not telling him at all...
I mean, he didn't know who I was before all this happened.
He doesn't know I've changed.
He'll just think it's me.
I hope college will be like this, too.
People need to stop thinking of me as changed.
Because it's just me.
People should just accept that I'm just me.
Maybe I should accept it, too...

-Beaskie