Potatoes

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” 

"Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

"Depression is like trying to peel a potato with another potato. It's impossible and it doesn't work and it just makes you want to cry. And then people ask, 'Well why don't you just use a peeler?' and then they hand you another fucking potato."

--

If I had a choice, I would've made it differently.

Too bad it wasn't a choice.

Too bad you think it is, like you've felt what I've been feeling.

It's all too bad....

-Beaskie

This Place

So I'm here at the place where he terrorized me and raped me and hit me. Where he stalked me and threatened me. Where he and I were together. Where he went to school. Where he shunned me and fucked me and slapped me. 

And then you start talking like him...

This is just all so close to home. Too close to home. I can't. I just can't. I'm terrified. Of you. Of him. Of this place. 

This place makes me want to throw up. The flashbacks are endless. I can't focus. 

When will it end...

-Beaskie

Pull The Trigger

I'm terrified.

Part of me is terrified you'll leave.
The other part of me is terrified you'll turn into him.

All of me is terrified.

It's so easy to let go of both of those fears when you're here. You can look at me and erase any doubts in my mind. When I'm with you, I know you love me, and I know you aren't him.

But when you're gone...things change. A lot.
It gets harder to remind myself that you love me. And it gets harder to remind myself that you aren't him. My mind starts racing with images of you leaving. I find every reason in the world for you to leave me.

There's so many reasons.

I imagine worst case scenario every second. I'm so deeply terrified of you leaving me. And when you're gone, it's so easy to convince myself that you will.

And, of course, I'm terrified of you becoming him.

I watch this TV show where all the couples fight. And the guy screams and then walks away. And he's blind to the girl. And he hates her. And she is helpless and makes excuses for him.

Or she fights back. She yells back and she walks away, too.

If you turned into him, I don't think I'd have the strength to fight back. I would just shrink down seven sizes smaller and let it happen.

It would kill me.

And every day I imagine it. I imagine all the reasons why you would leave me. And I imagine all the reasons why you would turn into him.

Why I deserve both of those things.

I'm extremely sensitive--more than you realize. You look away from me and I get scared you'll never look back. You let go of my hand and I get scared you'll never take it again. You shout at a friend playfully and I imagine you shouting at me. You call a friend a name and I imagine you calling me much, much worse names. You talk about your guns and I imagine you...

There are so many triggers, Flyer. I can't even name them all. I don't know how to control them. And I know I can't control you from doing them. I wish somehow you would just know what would trigger me and then not do it. But there's no way for you to know, because once you've done it it's too late--the terrifying thoughts are triggered. I don't want to mention it when it happens because then I would be saying "That was a trigger..." a hundred times a day. But then you never know that you're doing it.

It's terrifying. And it isn't your fault.

All these triggers, it makes me convince myself I'm not worthy, that you don't think I'm worthy. And it makes me imagine these terrifying thoughts and I get so, so scared.

More than anything, I'm scared of how much I love you--especially when you're not around. When you're here, everything is fine, and I'm not terrified. But when you're not--from the second you leave--my masochist mind starts working and I'm triggered over and over again.

I love you so much Flyer. Please, prove me wrong.

-Beaskie

The Beginning of the End

Well...it's done.

As of 9 am today, the boy is in jail. For two years.

I don't know what to say about it. I have a million conflicting emotions.

I won. I finally did it. He gets to suffer now.

There is a person out there who was so cruel to me he was put in jail for it.

I was with a felon.

I never have to see him again.

What if he comes looking for me? What if he hates me?

For the sake of women everywhere, I hope people like him can change.

I hope he gets raped in prison.

I hope they never let him out.

I hope he dies there.

I hope he rehabilitates.

I hope he never hurts another person again.

I put a person in jail.




He is in jail...

And I'm a wreck.

-Beaskie

Days

These flashbacks are like watching TV.
A really dumb soap opera that I wouldn't be caught dead watching.
I just need them to stop, that's all I'm asking for.
When can I finally get on with my life?

Two years ago was today was the beginning.
Last year today was the middle.
Why can't today be the end?

Oh, because he doesn't go to jail today. That's Thursday.