Depressed

You used to make me laugh so much. And smile, and feel safe. 

I don't do any of those things now. I'm simply depressed again. I have no will again. Im alone again. 

I'm depressed again and it sucks. I feel like i did in high school. I hate it and it's scary and not fair. 

I want to be happy. Why can't I be happy...

I want to talk to you. Is that allowed? Do you even want that?

-Beaskie

First time

It was our first time. Our first time saying goodbye. 

I'm scared and confused and instantly lonely. Thank you for apologizing. That helped. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to say now. I'm always shaky and can't eat. This is strange. 

We'll be ok. Whether separately or together, we'll be ok. 

I'm just not ready to be ok yet. 

-Beaskie

Reminiscing used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now it's the most painful thing I could do, yet I do it anyways. 

Do you have the journal? Remember our first time? Mammoth? Remember trips to the beach and Disneyland? Seeing movies late at night and going to get Indian food? Laughing uncontrollably and making love endlessly? None of that is altered by what happened yesterday. All of that is still very much valid and relevant. And it's what we could be again, if you'd just hear me out. I'm deeply sorry Flyer. I'll say it for the rest of my life. For everything. I freaked out. I reacted horribly. That doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. That doesn't mean we ever ever had a relationship that was anywhere near unhealthy, or even just bad. All it means is that while I've healed a lot, I'm not done yet. That's not a reason to end us, especially not like this. None of this is fair to either of us. We are incredible together. 

We deserve each other. 

-Beaskie

I'm sorry

Flyer I'm so sorry I reacted the way I did. I know it freaked you out. I would've been freaked out. I don't blame you. 

But don't let one day of a relapse define our entire relationship. Or define my character. Don't negate the immense healing and improvement I've gone through these past few years with you. I slipped up. I found out my grandpa has cancer and that the boy was definitely out of jail within the same hour that we started fighting. It was all just too much. I didn't react logically. 

Keep in mind, while speaking nonsense, I never was in danger. I never did anything to hurt myself. I've gotten better. 

Don't let your mom tell you I'm crazy. She doesn't know me or us the way you do. You're almost 21, you know what you need. You know these past few years have been fantastic and good for BOTH of us. You know we love each other with such a passion and such an intensity that we have become like magnets to each other. You know we're soul mates. 

-Beaskie

No words

There are no words that can describe what has happened. I do not know what happened. 

I was blindsided. I thought we were in love. I knew we were in love. Something changed your mind... Something I had no control over. 

That's not fair. 

You can do what's best for you. But in the mean time do you have to be so cruel to me? What did I do to deserve this? 

I've never been in this much pain. This hurts more than anything the other boy did. This even hurts more than losing my Grandma...

Why don't you care? Why can't we talk? Did someone brainwash you? Did someone pay you a lot of money to do this? This is so NOT the Flyer I know. This is the complete opposite. That's why I can't just let go. That's why I can't just give up. It's like my Flyer died and a mean, heartless one took over. I'm scared. I'm so hurt. 

I've never been so terrified in my life. 

Honestly Flyer...what happened...

And why are you refusing to tell me...

Absolutely zero percent of this makes any sense. 

-Beaskie 

Watching

Watching you sleep is one of my favorite things to do. 

You're so content. So relaxed. So peaceful. You're beautiful in every sense of the word. 

You're my person flyer. I never want to be without you. 

Watching you sleep makes me feel serene and joyous. It makes me feel loved and loving. It makes me feel like I have someone always, because I do. 

Watching you sleep fills me with love and care for you. I want to wrap my arms tightly around you and never let you go. I want to feel your breath on my skin, your heartbeat on my chest, your eyelashes flutter on my cheek, always. 

Watching you sleep... It's magical 

-Beaskie

Walking

Walking. 

Walking like I have a purpose. 

Walking like I have direction. 

Walking like I have a destination. 

I have no purpose. 

I have no direction. 

I have no destination. 

I don't know where I am or how I got here. 

-Beaskie