Blood

I was riding on the train and I had my hand on the window sill. There was a piece of metal that was sticking out and on a bump my arm slipped into it. It stung and hurt through my sweater. 

I liked it...

I'm scared that I still feel relief from sharp pain. I have been cutting my nails every day to keep from digging them into my skin. 

I didn't move my arm until someone pointed out the blood. 

I don't understand. Why is this still something I do? I'm so happy and feel fulfilled. I smile and sing to the radio and dance constantly and laugh a lot.

I'm actually happy.

How is that not enough? I'm still feeling relief and solace in self inflicted pain. 

What if I want to cut. Should I reach out to you? Do you still want to help me through that?

I miss my best friend. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get that piece back. 

-Beaskie

That's it?

I miss you.

I didn't say I miss us, I said I miss you.
We talked so much for years and years. And now what, it's just over? Poof? Gone?

Gone.

Your blog isn't for me anymore. You deleted everything you ever wrote about me. Now it's for her.

You couldn't have started a new blog...?

Do you see why I feel instantly replaced?

I just read "Don't Read This".

Sounds like that't it... Sounds like you're just done caring about me. Sounds like you really want nothing to do with me.

Am I right?

I do feel like you stringed me along. I feel like I shouldn't have made myself so available to you because it was very obvious that you loved her but still wanted me, or what I could give you. I shouldn't have given you that. You were already done loving me.

I wonder what you did with that journal. I don't know what I'd do with it. It would probably kill me to see it. It's yours anyways, so I guess I don't need to worry about it.

What happened to still being friends?

I know we shouldn't be together. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I miss you. Having you in my life. I really don't want to lose that and I'm terrified that I already have.

Have I? Lost you?

Will I?

I'll stop reading your blog now.

-Beaskie