Maybe you don't understand the impact what you two did had on me...
You came into my life when I was terrified of men. I was terrified of male teachers, of boys in my school, even of my own father or uncle or grandpa.
Literally terrified.
I believed that there was never going to be anyone who could make me stop being so afraid of them. I was afraid that all they would do was hurt me.
And you came along... and you convinced me that there was at least one man on this earth--you--who I shouldn't be afraid of. The reason for that being that you would never hurt me.
You convinced me that you would never hurt me when I had never been so sure of the fact that all men would hurt me.
You literally did the impossible.
And then you did what I was afraid of.
You hurt me.
Big time.
So much.
You don't know how much.
It took everything I had in me to not sink back into being terrified of men. Convincing myself of that, after you did what you did, was harder than going to court. It was harder than dealing with what he did to me. It. Took. Everything.
And it's fragile. I'm fragile. This is a very fragile subject and guess what? It will always be fragile. Even though I've forgiven you, even though I trust you now, even though it's been a year, it will always hurt. It will always be something that makes me mad and upset and hurt and alone.
But here's the thing. It doesn't have to be something we always fight about.
All you had to do was say "I'm sorry, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again" or "I understand why you're upset and I feel bad about that" or literally ANYTHING.
That's all it would've taken to avoid an argument.
But you told me "this has to stop."
You told me "this isn't fair for me to do."
You gave me reasons why my point was invalid, and you told me my feelings were wrong.
And you wonder why I don't feel like you love me...
My job, after what you did, was to work on forgiving you and trusting you again.
My job will never end.
Your job, after what you did, was to never ever give me a reason to doubt you, and to also constantly say your sorry when I need it, and to constantly remind me that you love me. Your job is not to criticize my feelings, or to fight with me about it, or to tell me "it has to stop" or "don't check my page." Those are excuses, those are things you say when you want to run from something.
Your job is to always make me feel loved and like I can trust you. Your job is to say you're sorry whenever I need it because you should never stop being sorry.
Your job will never end.
-Beaskie
