I Know

I know we don't talk as much, but I think it's temporary. There are a lot of events going on right now for new students and I'm just trying to make friends.
I love you. So much. More than you know. I couldn't sleep last night because I was missing you so much. So, so, so much. Everything exciting is happening to me and it all means nothing until I tell you. You validate everything that happens to me Flyer. You mean the world to me.
I love you.
I will be really busy with dance classes, so texting all the time might not be as easy as before. But trust me when I say I've noticed it too. And I hate it. I wish you were here. I wish we lived together. I wish we were married...
I pretend like we are. I act like we are.
You can trust me. You don't have to be jealous. And it's okay that you're a bit territorial because you do have someone--you have me. Always.
You're the only person who I'm attracted to, or who I trust, or who I love. No one can replace you. Ever.
I love you Flyer.

-Beaskie

Gone

Every night the last thing I'll see is your jewelry box. 

Every morning the first thing I'll see is your jewelry box. 

And in between, in my mind I'll see your jewelry box. 

You made my 18th absolutely spectacular. I love you. Thank you. 

You're gone now. But we will always be together. 

-Beaskie

Old pictures

I want to marry you. 

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. This is so classic. But I do. I don't see why we would ever break up. 

Please don't forget about me. I'm worried you've already started to. Please flyer, please. I love you. 

Looking through old pictures is like a fleeting goodbye kiss--it's amazing for a second, then stings for so long afterwards. 

I want to have new pictures with you too. We can't end like this flyer. Promise me we won't. 

Please. 

I'm reconsidering everything. I am so confused. I've never been this confused before. It's awful. 

Are you as confused as I am? 

I know you're not as sad as I am. Which is comforting because I never want you to be sad, but it's terrifying at the same time because you're okay without me when I'm not okay without you. 

This next week needs to fly by. I need to be in your arms. I need to. Just to be able to look at you, I'd give anything for that. 

I love you to the moon and back. 

-Beaskie

Sad

I'm terrified. 

I just have these visions...all night long. 

They're more like visions than dreams. Dreams are things in your subconscious you didn't know existed. Visions are what you know exists, what you see happening. 

So I have these visions. Of you. Without me. 

You're the strongest person I know. You'd be strong without me. That's why I'm terrified. I have visions of you slowly forgetting all our love and starting to get comfortable on your own. I have these visions as if they are happening today, as I type. As I cry. As I sit on the couch and watch the ceiling fan go in circles. As I do my favorite thing-dark room. 

I want to tell you how sad I am. I want to tell you how miserable I am. 

Today was the dress up day. Marti gras. I had found a cute couples costume on amazon and ordered it about a month ago. I was gonna surprise you with it today. 

I want you here more than anything in the world. 

How are you? I'm dying to know. I need to know. I want to know every detail of your day. What you had for lunch, if you did errands for your boss, if you're watching oth, if you laugh. 

I love your laugh. 

Don't stop laughing. 

How the hell am I going to get through this...

-Beaskie

Touch

I'm sleeping in a bed with my sister here. It's a double bed and it's pretty tight. I don't want her touching me. In fact I've been sleeping on the couch some nights. 

When I sleep, you're the only person I can have next to me. 

When we were driving to lunch one of the guys was next to me in the car. It was pretty close. I didn't want his leg touching me. 

When I'm in the car, you're the only person I can have next to me. 

You're the only person I can have next to me.

I'm sorry about the picture. It made me want to cry every time I saw it. I wonder if you changed it for the same reasons. 

But even still, I look at your pictures, our pictures, every night before I sleep. 

I miss you. 

-Beaskie

Chance

The boys here are chance fans.
Do you remember that night?
It was perfect. We went to a party. We spent the night at my house. We hung out with friends and got food and drove around and listened to chance for the first time together. We celebrated the start of a new year.
And the next day was perfect too... We went to the parade and I wore your hat and we fell asleep on the ride home, me on your lap.
And the next day was when it all turned bad.
The next day you made a very, very bad decision.

And now we're here.

Where are we?

I talked to my aunt here. "Aunty Di". I was being really dark and gloomy and she dragged me outside to talk and I ended up talking for three hours about everything. And you know what she said?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-Wherever Flyer is...
Then you're making the right choice.

She was in an abusive relationship once. She's also been cheated on. So she actually knows what she's talking about. And she definitely doesn't sugar coat things. So if she tells me I'm making the right choice, then I'm making the right choice.

It's the scariest right choice I've ever made.

We can't use this blog to talk to each other; that's cheating.
This blog is for ourselves. And if the other person reads it then so be it. But it can't be solely to talk to each other.
We can't cheat. If we do this right it will work, and things will go back to normal.

My Aunty Di also said that she was proud of us. And she said she wants you to come next year. She said she's never believed in forgiving a cheater until now. She believes I should forgive you.
And I believe that too.
And I will.

Be patient.

I've read that poem a hundred times now.

-Beaskie

What do you think

I stayed with you after you cheated. That's a simple fact we all know.
So stop with the "if you still love me" crap.
It's SO obvious how much I love you, given that simple fact we all know.
Do you really doubt that?!
If you doubt it that much, there's a deeper issue here.
I will always "poke" you. I will always love you.
It's as simple as that.
Stop
doubting
it.
And I won't doubt that you love me, either.

-Beaskie

Birthday

It should be your 72nd birthday today. 

You're stuck at 69 forever. 

It's not fair. I miss you more and more every day and I can't ever talk to you again. 

You should know what's happening with me. You don't know any of it. 

Maybe that's for the better...

I love you. I will always love you. I've loved you since the moment I was born and you held me. I loved you when you came to visit me in Atlanta. I loved you when you took me to see my first musical. I loved you then and I love you now, more than ever. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm learning that in so many ways today. 

The worst part is I can't talk to the one person I want to talk to today. Today of all days. Bad timing I guess. But then again, is there ever a good time?

-Beaskie

Have to

I'm not ready for this. For any of it. 

I already feel sick and sad again. I'm constantly on the brink of crying and it just started today. How am I going to do this!?

I just keep telling myself that I have to. I have no choice if I want to be with you. 

And I have to be with you. 

-Beaskie