Unworthy

It's snowing here. Everyone wears nikes and bedazzled jeans. I wish I could talk to you about my week...

I struggle so much with feeling unworthy. 

Of you. 

Of life. 

Unworthy of breathing air. Unworthy of being loved. Just plain unworthy. 

Then I go and do something so stupid and painful for you and selfish and I can't even stop it. So I feel even less worthy. 

Utterly, solely, perfectly unworthy. 

We have our differences. I'm trying my hardest to not let them matter to me. 

I wish you would talk to me...all I feel is unworthy of everything so I probably don't deserve you talking to me but I still wish you would because you're the only person who can pull me out of this.

But that's not yor job, you don't have to. I'm just saying you're the only one who can. 

-Beaskie

Spring Break

This week has been quite overwhelming...

I'm so engulfed by my love for you, and my dependency on you. When I see you I just want you to hold me and never let go, no matter what happens. When I'm not with you, and you're here, I feel incomplete.

That scares me.

I really do depend on you... More than I should. More than is healthy. When you're not here, I'm totally fine and I can make myself happy just being me. But when you're here it's like my life depends on you. Maybe that's because we don't see each other often... Maybe that's because that is how I am trained to act with a boyfriend. Maybe that's because my life actually does depend on you... It certainly used to.

When we were intimate, I was scared. Just like the first time. But this time I was scared for different reasons. This time I was scared because you did that with her, not because I thought you'd do to me what the boy did. This time I was scared because I felt used. This time I was scared because I felt slutty again, but for different reasons.

It was also wonderful, and it made me trust you more and taught me that you care about me again. It reminded me of how gentle you are with me and how cautious and thoughtful you can be. It brought back great memories. It helped me to fall in love with you more.

I really want to know more about what you think... I know your mind is more complicated than what you let on. At least I hope it is...

And I know I jokingly tell you to "be mature" all the time, but keep in mind that I am saying that for a reason...

I'm still terrified to love you. The good news is, that means I love you.

-Beaskie

Tonight

You're coming tonight, and I've imagined the first time I see you over and over. I've imagined Friday night over and over. Was that smart? Did I get my hopes up to something unattainable?

I've gone over what I want to say to you over and over. That was smart for sure, because I don't want to forget anything. The first thing I want to do when I see you is talk. That's all. Just sit next to each other and look at each other and talk. Then we can cuddle. Then we can hold each other. Then we can sleep.

But first, we talk.

Last time I was with you there were so many emotions I had no idea what I was thinking. Now I know what I'm thinking--I know very well. So now we get to talk about it. I've been hiding my feelings for your sake, but I'm not going to do that anymore.

I've been listening to chance and reminiscing.... back to when you were still mine.

But, even at that point, you weren't. You never were.

So it's time to start anew. It's time for you to be mine. I've been too patient, and I'm done waiting.

-Beaskie

Visit

You're coming home soon and honestly I'm a little nervous...
What if it feels weird? What if we don't click?
I know my doubts are stupid but they are still there...
I'm so excited to see you, I'm putting so much pressure on this visit to be perfect.

I sure hope it is...

-Beaskie