Pull The Trigger

I'm terrified.

Part of me is terrified you'll leave.
The other part of me is terrified you'll turn into him.

All of me is terrified.

It's so easy to let go of both of those fears when you're here. You can look at me and erase any doubts in my mind. When I'm with you, I know you love me, and I know you aren't him.

But when you're gone...things change. A lot.
It gets harder to remind myself that you love me. And it gets harder to remind myself that you aren't him. My mind starts racing with images of you leaving. I find every reason in the world for you to leave me.

There's so many reasons.

I imagine worst case scenario every second. I'm so deeply terrified of you leaving me. And when you're gone, it's so easy to convince myself that you will.

And, of course, I'm terrified of you becoming him.

I watch this TV show where all the couples fight. And the guy screams and then walks away. And he's blind to the girl. And he hates her. And she is helpless and makes excuses for him.

Or she fights back. She yells back and she walks away, too.

If you turned into him, I don't think I'd have the strength to fight back. I would just shrink down seven sizes smaller and let it happen.

It would kill me.

And every day I imagine it. I imagine all the reasons why you would leave me. And I imagine all the reasons why you would turn into him.

Why I deserve both of those things.

I'm extremely sensitive--more than you realize. You look away from me and I get scared you'll never look back. You let go of my hand and I get scared you'll never take it again. You shout at a friend playfully and I imagine you shouting at me. You call a friend a name and I imagine you calling me much, much worse names. You talk about your guns and I imagine you...

There are so many triggers, Flyer. I can't even name them all. I don't know how to control them. And I know I can't control you from doing them. I wish somehow you would just know what would trigger me and then not do it. But there's no way for you to know, because once you've done it it's too late--the terrifying thoughts are triggered. I don't want to mention it when it happens because then I would be saying "That was a trigger..." a hundred times a day. But then you never know that you're doing it.

It's terrifying. And it isn't your fault.

All these triggers, it makes me convince myself I'm not worthy, that you don't think I'm worthy. And it makes me imagine these terrifying thoughts and I get so, so scared.

More than anything, I'm scared of how much I love you--especially when you're not around. When you're here, everything is fine, and I'm not terrified. But when you're not--from the second you leave--my masochist mind starts working and I'm triggered over and over again.

I love you so much Flyer. Please, prove me wrong.

-Beaskie