I hate admitting this. Because I keep telling myself it isn't true. But I guess I can't lie like that anymore.
I'm still terrified of you. Absolutely terrified. Because I still confuse you with him. And when you say things like that...do you want to...that's him. That's how it started the first time. That's how he tricked me, how I fell completely head first into the hell hole that was rape. And you said it and then you became him and then I...
That's why I need to hear your voice. I need to be reminded that it's you and not him. And what you did, after you turned into him, was perfect. You reassured me that neither of us were ready, that we should wait until marriage, that you love me. And you held me. And that was what made you you, and took him away from you in my mind. You held me. I need that. All the time. Before, during, and after. And I need your voice, and your face. Before, during, and after.
I'm sorry if this is too much to ask...but it's the truth. And I have to admit to myself that I'm not over being terrified
of men,
of him,
of you.
I thought because you are so perfect, I wouldn't be scared anymore. But I'm still terrified, an I probably always will be. But don't change what you do, you are perfect. And I love you.
-Beaskie
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