The Girl

I regret so much. I've told you already, but maybe you don't understand...
I regret holding back for so long. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was an unstoppable force that would overcome me no matter what. I had no idea that what I was trying to hold back was what would save my life. So I held it back for months. And now I wish more than anything that we had those months. We are down to days...and I'm scared. How could I not be?

Are you?

Tell me.

--

Today I was her. The girl. And I treated you like him. The boy. Because when I was being the girl with the boy, I was programmed to do certain things to get certain results. The girl had been programmed to do everything in her power to get the boy's attention. So the girl would try and try with conversation and surprises and gifts and complements and love and the boy wouldn't pay attention to her. It became clear that the boy wanted one thing and one thing only, and that was the only way the girl would ever get his attention. So the girl did it, over and over and over again, because she was programmed to get the boy's attention and that was the only way how. And soon it became normal. Soon it was programmed--the only way to get not just the boy's, but any boy's attention, was to do that. And so today, I wanted your attention. And I did it. And it worked. And I didn't even think twice about it.

But you're not the boy. When you found out all I wanted was your attention, you chuckled at how hard I tried.

You don't have to do that. Just ask! I'll give you all the attention you need.

Stop me, next time. If you're not paying attention to me, and I start to do that. Because odds are, that's the only reason I'm doing it.
I'm scared to think that this has happened a lot, with out me ever thinking twice about it. I think I have done this before with you, many times, and neither of us knew it.
So stop me next time. I want to not be her. I must get rid of the boy, but I can't do that if I'm still the girl. And I don't think I can erase the girl with out some help.

Will you help me?

-Beaskie