Tony

Over winter break I went out with a guy for about two weeks.
Let's call him Tony.

He told me he liked me right after my Winter Dance Recital. So we went on a few dates. It was the same time as my depression hit. It was also the same time as Flyer's best friend.

I'm pretty sure he thinks he loves me. Whether he actually does or not I don't know--or care. Me and him had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I dated him in the same mindset as when I slept with Flyer's friend. I wanted to hurt someone, the way I had been hurt. I told him a hundred times that I would hurt him, but all he did was tell me he would always listen and care and superficial shit like that. I knew I would hurt him, I didn't know why or how but I knew I did.

I don't think I ever really liked him. I most certainly wasn't attracted to him--I wouldn't let him kiss me. I felt like I had to be with someone, because I have never been on my own before. I wanted to finally have control in a relationship, so I took advantage of his feelings for me. When I finally saw what I was doing I backed off and cut off all ties. I was hoping he'd be so hurt he would never speak to me again--that was the point.

But no, of course not. Things don't ever go the way I want them to.

He contacted me today for maybe the fifth time after we ended. Every time it gets worse, today it was incredibly terrible. "I will get you," "Just you wait and see,"and, my favorite, "I assure you I will get to your heart! That's a promise. Unless you marry Flyer."

So this kid is in love with me and pretty much wants to marry me. And all I did was notice that and use it to my advantage, lead him on and hurt him. I wanted to use someone up like I had been. I wanted to give a big "F you" to the male population of the world.

I also have no idea why I ever led him on...I knew I didn't like him from the beginning. And I knew he liked me a lot.

He likes me way too much. He loves me way too much. It's actually extremely frightening. He also has certain characteristics that are similar to the boy, which is equally as terrifying.

He was a power trip for me. He was a toy to play with. He was a casualty of my wrath.

Yes I am ashamed of leading him on. But I haven't told him that I never really liked him. I haven't told him that I used him for my own satisfaction. I haven't told him that he never really meant anything to me. I haven't told him that he was a repercussion of my own messed up mind.

How am I supposed to tell him that? Haven't I hurt him enough?

I want Flyer to still have feelings for his ex.

-Beaskie