A Death In The Family

My best friend thinks she's lost me.

I don't think anyone has lost me, I think the only person who can lose me is me. The others never had me.

You don't get to have anyone but yourself.

I hate that the world looks at relationships like that. Having someone. Losing someone. Those concepts are impossible, but when attempted they are dehumanizing and emotionally scarring.

__

The other day a boy I went on two dates with texted me saying, in short, that he would have me again. When I tried to explain that he had never had me in the first place, his single-minded response was, "That's because you didn't give me enough time! Just you wait and see, I'll get you! I'll have you again! Just you wait!"

That sounds like a threat.

Actually, that is a threat.

The boy tried to have me.

That's the scariest threat I've heard in my life.
__

No, my best friend didn't lose me, and I didn't lose her. We never will, because we will never have each other. But I know when she says she lost me she's not meaning it in such a literal sense as I have perceived it to be. I am a very different person now. Parts of me have changed for the better, and parts for the worse. There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who wouldn't change as much as I did if they were in my position.

There isn't a single person on the face of the earth who doesn't change, period.

But there's no going back. I must go forward with my life. I have been held back enough and it has to stop. It's nowhere near easy, because going forward means accepting the situation.

It's as if the old me died. And when someone dies it is difficult to move forward because you don't want to leave them behind. You want them to come with you, so you wait and wait until you finally realize that they will never come with you again because they can't. So you move forward, slowly and painfully, until you regain the momentum you once had.
This is what I am trying to do. I am done waiting because I know the old me will never come with me again. So I am slowly and painfully moving forward.

But when my closest friend is still back there, waiting for the old me to come back, how am I supposed to move forward? At this rate I won't get anywhere anytime soon--if ever. I'm taking one step forward and two steps back.
I guess because the old me only figuratively died we all had a harder time accepting the fact that she wasn't coming back because we thought there was more of a chance of a resurrection. But that is just as impossible as the resurrection of a normal, dead human being. So we must all move forward.

It will never be an easy thing--to move on from yourself. To mourn yourself and then accept that you have died and that the new you must move on. It's a foreign feeling to me, and is to blame for a majority of my deep depression.

But if my best friend can't stop mourning over the old me's death, how will I?

-Beaskie