Letter To A Friend

I know I'm hurting you.
I know I'm hurting my family.
I know I'm hurting those who I care the most about.
I know I'm hurting the people I never wanted to hurt.

Did you think I was oblivious to that?

Just because I know these things does not mean I am trying to do them.

Also, just because I know these things does not mean I can prevent them from happening.

I have lost many abilities I once had. I have lost the ability to motivate myself to do anything--schoolwork, eat, sleep, even dance. I have lost the ability to concentrate on things that need to be concentrated on. I have lost the ability to remember what it feels like to be happy. I have not lost the ability to be happy, but I just can't will myself to feel it anymore.
Another ability I have lost is the ability to reach out to others, to express just how much I want them or love them or need them, to show them how vital they are to my survival, to be their friend.

I used to be such a good friend.

I am not trying to hurt anybody. I did not just wake up one morning and decide to push everyone who ever cared about me away by hurting them. I am not saying it's an accident, but I am saying it is not on purpose. It's not a conscious decision. It just happens. And I can never really tell why or how or when until after the fact, when it's too late to change it. The damage is done.

I am trying every way possible to stop. It's constantly on my mind, as well as a consistent topic of discussion with my therapist. I can't figure out why I have lost the ability to be a friend. And I can't figure out how to get it back.

But I am trying. I'm trying harder than you think. I'm trying harder than you could ever imagine.

Do you think I like doing this to people?
Don't you know that I'm sorry?
Don't you know that I hate this too?

I won't stop trying. Just because I haven't figured it out yet doesn't mean I won't. I know I will, but I know it won't be soon--I've come to learn that everything heals with time, and sometimes that "everything" can take a long, long time.

So please don't give up on me. It's asking a lot to put up with this while I try and try, but please believe that I will find the answer so that I can believe that I will find the answer.

I hope trying my best is good enough to hold on to you until then.

-Beaskie