Obligations

I must not relapse into delusion. No one may own me, yet I wish to own you. It's easier to tell other people to change rather than forcing change in myself. But I must--I must. I cannot risk what I so minutely regained. Fool me twice, shame on me. And I feel shame--have I already been fooled? It's my fault--this foolishness, this hurt, this shame. You've forgiven me for the disasters I have caused, and I welcomed this forgiveness while I knew it was undeserved. I am not strong on my own. And you have tried to protect me from the aloneness I should be experiencing. But you cannot do that forever. Though I will never stop convincing myself that you will. You are young, I must stop expecting you to throw your youth into the engulfing fire replacing what once was my heart. You don't deserve my obligation, I don't deserve your sacrifice. The fight is now within me--it always has been. The fight to be strong in solitude. The fight to stop convincing myself that the inevitability of this solitude is nonexistent. If I have asked too much of you, I'm sorry. And if you have suffered in answering, I'm sorry. I'll always wish for this, I just must stop expecting it. I cannot consider you mine. I made the same mistake I always do--maybe one day I'll learn.

But while I come with some baggage, you come with some of your own. You must not feel any obligation to me. If anything, you probably have more of an obligation to her.

-Beaskie