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I don't think I've ever told you how sorry I am.

I once heard that if you have said you're sorry three times, you deserve to be forgiven.

I disagree.

I don't think I can ever stop saying I'm sorry. Whether or not it's needed. Part of it is because of the boy-I was constantly apologizing, whether I had committed whatever needed to be forgiven or not was irrelevant. But part of it is because I know what hurt is, and would never wish it on anyone, especially not those I love.

So I am sorry. I'm sorry more than three times. I'm sorry for that day and night. I'm sorry for the repercussions. I'm sorry I kept it hidden for a few days.

As I say I'm sorry to you, I am also saying it to myself. I haven't forgiven myself for it, and I don't expect anyone else to, either.

--

On that first day, in all honesty, you reminded me of the boy. Just for that moment, when you turned to the street. That's a stunt the boy would pull to get me to fight for him instead of against him. He would never actually follow through with it, just use it as a way to scare and control me.

But then I realized, you weren't the boy.

I'm still having a hard time realizing that.

But because you weren't the boy, that meant it wasn't a stunt. It was real. And I actually had to stop it.

So I did.

And I was terrified.

-Beaskie