Reactions

When an event occurs--such as a break-in or a court date or what have you--my immediate reaction is "Okay how do I deal with this?". My immediate reaction is "Why isn't it stopping?". My immediate reaction is "How do I keep myself from committing suicide?". My immediate reaction is "Holy shit."

My immediate reaction is not, however, "Okay I need to go tell all of my friends and family and explain it to the world and talk about it a lot and make sure that everyone knows what's going on."

I'm sorry if I don't tell every person every detail. I'm sorry if I don't tell anyone at all. Telling people doesn't always help--sometimes it does, but not always. And if I know that telling people won't help, then I'm not going to go spreading the word. Talking takes energy. Listening takes energy. Digesting questions and formulating responses takes energy. Energy is a non-renewable resource that is running dangerously low. I cannot waste energy. I will not waste energy. I have none to waste.
It't not personal, it's not by choice, it's not anything. It's just the way it is.

My best friend (different one from the last post) (let's call her Ducky) went to college this year. Last year we were inseparable, this year we are thousands of miles apart. I want her to be here through all of this, considering she was with me through most of my relationship with the boy. I don't always tell her everything that happens, simply because of what I just explained: it takes energy, of which I have none.
I'm going to visit her soon, maybe she'll forgive me for not always keeping her up to date. I love her more than anything and I wish she would understand what's really going on in my life.

Sorry if this post was boring to most of you...if there even is a "most of you"...
Like I said, this is a blog of a depressed 16 year old girl; be my guest to read but I still make no promises of happiness.

-Beaskie