Indestructible

In my mind, I'm not hopeless. Hopeless means an absence of hope. An absence of something means that you were familiar with it prior to losing it.
Hope is a foreign concept to me. As is happiness, as is love.
I know I love my family, and my friends. I know I love to dance. I know I love these things, I just don't feel it anymore.

I've reconnected with an ex-boyfriend of mine. Let's call him Flyer.

Flyer and I went out my freshman year--his sophomore year--for around 2 months, and then totally lost touch, until now. I reconnected with him mainly because I had a one night stand with his best friend. I used to regret that, but if I hadn't done it, maybe Flyer and I wouldn't be whatever we are now. In his blog, he said that he loved me, though he hasn't said it to my face. That's probably because any time he gets anywhere close to saying it, I flip out.
I find myself wanting desperately to tell him I love him, or to hear him say it to me. I might want it to be said because I don't know what love is. I thought I did once, and it turned into hell. I might want it to be said because I'm used to that--the whole "I love you" thing--for I used to give that phrase away. Or maybe I want it to be said because it's true.
But hell, I slept with his best friend! Who knows what other types of damage I could do to him?! He tells me over and over that it would take a lot to hurt him, that he'd be ok, that it'd be worth it.
People are fragile. Especially when they're in love, And I'm scared to death of hurting him.

I, on the other hand, am a different story.
I know I can't be hurt.

Dark is the absence of light. But if light didn't exist, neither would dark. Death is the absence of life, but if life were to disappear, so would death. Ugly cannot exist without beauty, hate cannot exist without kindness. Hurt is the absence of love, of happy, of being well. Since none of those exist for me, neither does hurt.
But this inability to be hurt does not result in indestructibility. Being indestructible entails keeping the love, the happy, the being well, while releasing the hurt.

No, I am not indestructible.
I'm numb.

There's no existence of dark or light, death or life, ugly or beauty, hate or kindness, hurt or happy, or love, or being well. There is just being.
And even that, sometimes, is a challenge.
I must learn how to be, before the dark and the light can return. I must learn how to be, before there can be any life, beauty, kindness, love, happy, or being well. I must learn how to be, before any death, ugly, hate, or hurt will return.

Until then, I struggle to be.

-Beaskie