Home

I'm living a fantasy right now. I left school and went to New York with my dad.
I most definitely belong in New York, there's no doubt about it. I plan to go to NYU once I graduate and probably live here for a while after that. The dance world here is phenomenal. There's so many opportunities that don't exist at home in LA.
I belong here.

It's raining today. It's beautiful. There are two little circles on my red cheeks of chapped skin because of the ice wind. I love the weather so much.
There's so much good food here. Any tiny little place you duck into has it's own feel, vibe, taste, sound, smell. It's unique.
I want desperately to live in one of the zillion tiny apartments. I don't care where or how big it is or if I have room mates. I want to call one my own.

One day.

I wish it could be today. I don't want to go back. Ever. I can see all the sadness I've left at home. Home is a sad place. School is a sad place. The people there are old and sad and gray. I love them to death but that doesn't change anything. Here the people might be old, or sad, or gray, but at least I don't know them, and they don't know me. At home I know them, and they know me and that makes it all so old and so sad and so gray.
Every day I'm here I want to say it: "Can't I just stay?"
My older brother lives here. I could live with him. There's plenty of high schools in New York.
I wouldn't have to tell anyone what's happened. I could just pretend it never did.
Maybe if I pretend it never happened long enough, it'll all just go away. I could pretend forever, and eventually pretend would become reality and I could start again. I could make new friends who didn't always look at me with old eyes and learn from teachers who didn't talk to me with sad voices and see places that weren't always tinted with gray.

Home is old. Home is sad. Home is gray.

The old and sad and gray has followed me here a little bit. But if I'm here long enough, would it fade? Would it disappear? Would it cease to exist?

There's only one way to find out.

-Beaskie