Feelings

I mentioned before that I had had a one night stand with Flyer's best friend.
Yeah...I don't really do that...
Like, ever.
He called me in the middle of a Saturday night after a party and asked if I was doing anything the next day. I told him I had to do homework all day, which led to his disappointment, seeing as he was going back to Maryland on Monday. I jokingly mentioned that I wasn't doing anything at the moment, and the next thing I knew, he was driving up to my house.
I had always thought this guy was cute, and we had talked on and off for a few years. I never thought that he actually liked me, so when he kissed me, well, you can imagine how flattering it was.
One thing led to another, and at one point I had to make a choice. Let it go all the way, or stop it where it was.

I decided to let it go because a thought crossed my mind: feeling.

Any and all feeling had been absent in my life for quite some time, and I thought that maybe, if I was lucky, going all the way with this guy who was leaving the next day might possibly evoke some feeling. And I was desperate for feeling.
Mind you, I didn't exactly know what type of feeling it could evoke--and I didn't care. Just the idea of feeling something was enough to convince me to go against all my morals and guidelines I had set for myself. I might feel good, happy, regretful, slutty, tired. I didn't care, I just wanted to feel.
Unfortunately, sleeping with this guy did nothing of the sort. It caused tremendous problems with one of my best friends, who I'm sure still resents me for it--even if she won't admit it. It deeply hurt Flyer--who won't admit it either, but again, I'm sure of it.

And I didn't feel anything.

-Beaskie