"Yes" Means No

Rape.

It's talked about. It's studied. It's publicized. It's hidden.

And it's everywhere.

Every 17 minutes a woman in the United States is raped.

The boy most definitely raped me. I now have no doubt in my mind that that statement is true.

No means no. But saying nothing does not mean yes. I said nothing, and for good reason. He had been pressuring me constantly, claiming he would "trust me more". The first time it happened he brought it up so quickly I didn't even have a chance to say no or yes. We were in the car, and suddenly he said we should have sex right then and the next thing I knew he was buying condoms at a 7/11 and finding an alley to park in. He saw that I was terrified, and way past hesitant. But I didn't say no, so he took my lack of a response as a yes.
If I had said no I would've never heard the end of it. That would be one of the many mistakes I made in his eyes, and he would never let me forget it. That, and he might have physically forced me to have sex, an experience I was not about to ask for. I was hoping he would see my fear and hesitation and stop, but of course he didn't.

This is a form of rape that is very unknown to the public eye. We often hear of violent rapes where the girl is kicking and screaming, and it results in bruises and cuts and even broken bones and death. Or we hear of rapes where the girl was intoxicated past the point of consciousness, and had no say in what was to happen to her body. But we never hear of rapes where the girl was fully aware of what was going on, and wasn't kicking or screaming or really resisting, but never actually said yes.
Even if they do say yes, if a man notices the slightest hesitation in her voice, it's a definite no. There are a million reasons why a woman may be afraid to say no, and therefore the rape is too often seen as consensual in the man's--and the court's--eyes.


The boy was incredibly manipulative. He would somehow make me be the one doing sexual acts to him, and not the other way around. There were many methods he would go about to do this. One might be him seeming unsatisfied after we had sex, telling me it might have felt better if I was the one coming onto him and taking control. Therefore, that's what I did. After the sex I still felt the uncomfortable, violated feeling I got when he was the one controlling it, but an element of confusion came into play when I thought about the fact that I was in control, and I still did it, even though I know I did not want to. Another way would be his never ending fairytales about all the crazy things his overly-experienced ex-girlfriends would do to him, making me jealous and giving me a drive to do these things--and more--in order to please him. Eventually, the manipulation became so strong that I lost sight of the fact that I didn't want to engage in any sexual activity with the boy because I was so focussed on whatever act he wanted me to perform on him next.

For a long while I didn't consider the relationship sexually abusive, entirely for this purpose. I was the one who did it to him--not the other way around. I never said no. I told him I wanted it. I took control.
The relationship I had before the boy was very obviously sexually abusive, but in a very different way. He would do things to me that I didn't want. I would cry and try to stop it and I couldn't so I would cry some more as he forced his way into my personal bubble of privacy and sexuality. That was one type of sexual abuse--the boy's type was completely different.

I now can very clearly see the type of sexual abuse I suffered from the boy, and I can also see that it is much more painful than the common types of sexual abuse, and also much more unknown to the world. I was manipulated into having sex with him. I was manipulated into taking control, or doing things to him, or telling him I wanted it. I was a puppet he used to fill his desires. However I was a puppet completely convinced I was not attached to any strings, and was performing all on my own.
Now I see the strings. Now I understand the abuse.

It has also become a habit of mine to succumb to, or claim I will perform, sexual acts without actually asking myself if I really want it. It has happened multiple times with Flyer, also with Flyer's best friend (mentioned much earlier). I went through with whatever was happening simply because that was how I was programmed to act during my relationship with the boy. It became so drilled into my head because it was a survival tactic--as well as being my only choice. Neither of the boys this has happened with are at fault for this in any way, shape, or form. Flyer has never once pushed me or manipulated me in any way, and I know he never will. It is me who is at fault--I have to learn to ask myself what I want before committing to doing what he wants.

One time I did ask myself if I actually wanted what was going on with Flyer at the moment to happen, of if I was doing it because I thought I was obligated to please him. The answer was no, I didn't want it, and I told him to stop, which he promptly did. I was so proud of myself for building up the courage to say stop, and so relieved when the command wasn't received with the expected yells, hits, or force to continue. Saying no is a terrifying thing in my mind, no matter who I am saying no to.

It is upsetting to me that I have become this way. I know who I am, I know I am strong and independent and most definitely on the same level as any man in the world. A body is sacred--be it a man's or a woman's--and the only person who can know what it wants and deserves is the soul occupying that body. Not only had I let my body's fate be decided by a different soul during the boy's relationship, but I have also wrongfully learned to not only accept this fact, but expect it, and even make it happen when another soul--Flyer's--won't decide what my body's fate is for me.

I am the only one who will be able to break this terrible, destructive habit. And it must happen, for I am afraid of what it might lead me to do.

-Beaskie