Texting

My life feels frivolous.
I don't think I'm doing this right, this whole "living" thing. I see other people living but I dont know how to do it myself. I feel unattached from people. I feel like I have no real connections. I feel as if I am floating, a ghost.

When will I understand what it is to live?

My friend thinks I will always chose Flyer over her. And I think that's why she doesn't like him. I won't chose either of them. I don't chose people. You can't just "chose" someone. You can chose a pair of shoes or an ice cream flavor. But you don't "chose" people.
They just come into or leave from or stay in or watch or participate in or destroy or excite or affect or whatever your life. You can't chose them. And neither can they. I think.

I get sick of texting Flyer some times. Because sometimes it's "You're so beautiful" or "I miss you" or just a bunch of hearts and kissy faces. That's fine and all, but it just feels fake. And it happens when we have nothing else to talk about.

Why is that? The same thing happened with me and the boy, or really me and any other person I've had a relationship with. When we run out of things to say we fill in the silence with "Aww you're so cute" and "I love youuuuu" and "I miss you more!"
All of these words mean so much, and are so important, and heavy. But they become conversation fillers. Their gravity is lost in their overuse.

I hate it.

I don't really have much to say recently. So much pain has been caused by those who I thought were my close friends that I stopped feeling it and became numb again.
You'll know when the numbness bubble pops--I'll have plenty to say then.

-Beaskie