Wake Up

I figured it out.
Why I didn't kill myself that night.
Or any other night, really.

I want to die. I want to die so bad it hurts.
But I don't want to be dead. I don't want death.

No, I want to die and be born again. A different person. Completely different.
I want to die and erase my life from this world. I want Beaskie to become nonexistent, and for my soul to become someone else.

I want to die out of my own life and into a new one.

It wouldn't hurt anyone, because I would have never actually existed. People wouldn't miss me because they would have never met me. I wouldn't miss them because I would have never met them. It's a perfect plan.

The flaw is I won't wake up. And this is where the epiphany I just had comes in.

My logical mind, however suppressed it may be at the moment, knows that becoming nonexistent and being reborn is not possible. Somehow, through all the shouting demons in my head, the tiny voice of that logical mind was heard just enough to keep me alive every time.

If those demons get louder, if my logical mind gets quieter, I might not survive again.

And much to my dismay, I won't wake up.

-Beaskie