Ugly

It hit again. I told you, no matter how good the day is, it doesn't matter. It still hits.
And I also told you that every time it hits, it hits harder.

I'm in the bathroom. There aren't any lights on and the door is closed. I stare into the vast darkness and feel nothing and everything. The darkness goes and goes and goes and yet it stops right infront of my eyes and hits me like a wall as I fall endlessly into it.

I am in my studio. You've said so many words to me but I don't remember how to hear them. I don't remember how to respond. And then I don't remember how to blink or stand so I fall and you catch me but I'm still endlessly falling.

I lie on the couch and I try to remember how to move my arm and my hand and my finger. Nothing moves. I try to remember how to move my eyes. Nothing moves. I try to remember how to scream for help but sound is non-existant. And you leave because I have become part of the furniture again. And the couch caves in and I am endlessly falling.

I can hear your car start. I remember how to scream. So that's what I do. I scream and grunt and turn into a savage animal. My legs remember how to move so they kick at the demons no one else can see and my arms remember how to move so they try to grasp the hands around my neck. But the hands stay and push me so that I am endlessly falling.

I stand up and walk to the sink and I am still screaming and grunting. I stand infront of the sink looking at the mirror that faces my studio. But I don't remember how to see my studio, so I stare at the reflection of an animal that looks like me. She is grunting and screaming and howling and her mouth is open she is baring her teeth and her hair sticks to her face from the glue of tears and makeup and she has a knife in her hand. She knows the knife will not cut the hands around her neck because nothing stops those hands from suffocating her. So as she forgets how to breathe she holds the knife to her wrist as it slices and as she screams. But she screams not for the pain of the knife, for there is none. She screams because she is falling. And she drops the knife in the sink and it is endlessly falling.

The animal is still watching me as she takes a glass in her hand and throws it on the ground. She takes another glass, and a plate and throws them on the ground. The glasses and plates are made of glass and the floor is made of tile and it makes ugly music as the two meet and shatter each other. And she walks away on the glass but her feet can't feel anything because it wasn't really me throwing the glasses and the plates. It was the animal. The screaming, grunting animal who doesn't remember how to blink or stand so she gives in because there is no other choice. And she walks away from the glass and the animal stares at her as she is endlessly falling.

And then the animal howls as she takes the kitchen table in her hands and throws it upside down. And then she takes the coffee table with the other plates and glasses and throws that one upside down too. And she kicks the chairs so that they are upside down and finds another small table to turn upside down. All the while she is thrashing at the demons nobody else can see and trying to grasp the hands around her neck and she is screaming and baring her teeth and can't remember how to blink. And in a last struggle to hold onto something she grabs onto the large white chair and pulls it with her as she hits the floor and goes through the floor and is endlessly falling.

And she sits in a crumpled heap on the floor and her entire body goes numb. It starts at her feet and her fingers that she can't remember how to move and suffocated her entire body. And she forgets how to blink and she forgets how to stand and she forgets how to grunt and scream and howl so she just whimpers. She whimpers for years and years and years as she sits on her thrown in all of her glory. Her glorious shards of glass are on the floor in the kitchen and her glorious tables and chairs are all upside down and her glorious knife is in the kitchen sink stained with her royal blood and they are all surrounding her glorious thrown on the ground in a puddle of tears and whimpers and pain and falling.

Endlessly falling.

When did "I" turn into "she"?

What if you were in a black hole, and you can't speak and you can't breathe and you can't remember past things so all you know is that for all of eternity you will be falling in the black hole where you can't see anything and you can't hear anything and it's just an endless fall for eternity and forever?

I'm trying to fly out of the black hole, but I don't know how and nobody knows when and where I am endlessly falling.

Do not trust me so.
My demons are bigger than you know.

-Beaskie