Roller Coaster

The day is fine. The night is fine. Not perfect, but fine.

Tolerable.

But that doesn't matter.
But that doesn't make a difference.
But it happens anyways.
But it still hit me.

Hard.

Those hands wrap around my neck and I can't breathe. So I don't.
I can't speak, so I don't.

All I can do is look out the window of the car and watch houses go by. Perfect little houses. Watching TV, making dinner, going to bed. They seem happy. I want to fast forward to when I can have a perfect little family that watches TV and makes dinner and goes to bed. Just skip all this crap.

I close my eyes. He drives smoothly and quickly. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster. It feels like I was on a boat and I just lied down.

The numbness starts at my feet and fingertips.

I open my eyes and they sting. The corners of my mouth are irrevocably turned down.

I'm dizzy.

I close my eyes, a drop spills over. The song playing sounds like a theme song in a movie. I wish I lived in a movie. Everything is scripted and planned. And once it's over, I'd just go back to the beginning and do it all over again. Never having to move forward.

He's holding my hand but I'm not holding his.

The numbness has crawled up to my knees and elbows, I feel it starting at the top of my skull.

I get out of the car and go to my own.
I've forgotten how to drive, so I fall asleep, and my body takes control. I drive home without being awake. I saw myself about to turn left, but stop at the last moment as a car whizzed by. I wish I had gone. But my body doesn't listen to my mind.

The numbness has reached my waist, my shoulders, my neck It hurts.

I go inside and shut my door.
The numbness is crawling, creeping, freezing, burning.

I fall into bed.

It has my stomach, my chest. Tears are uncontrollable, as are breathes.
I fall asleep just before the numbness seizes my heart.

I scream in my dream.

-Beaskie