Lightyears

I know so many people that cut..
They say its an addiction and that once you do it once it will always be part of your life.
The other night was my fifth time.

Their cuts are all in straight lines, neatly lying next to each other in rows.
Mine are crooked and overlap and cover my wrist.
There was no planning or neatness or rows. The knife just went in every direction wherever it happened to land.

Am I addicted? Will it ever go away?

I have to keep reminding myself that my actions affect other people. That my hurt could cause other people to hurt. It's so easy to think that I'm isolated from the rest of the world, considering I feel like I come from a different galaxy then everyone else, and am invading their happy Earth.

Or maybe all of them are invading my sad galaxy.

Either way, lightyears separate me and the rest of the world, so considering their feelings while I am hurting myself seems preposterous. I look around at school and ask myself if any of these people would give a shit if I were to never come to school again.
People are fine with out me.

A handful of people claim they do care. But do any of them really care? They all have their own problems and their own lives to worry about. They might care for an hour or two but they forget, they move on while I'm still stuck.
And even if they do care, do I care?
Would them caring make a difference to me?
Would them caring affect how I live, or whether or not I do?

I'm trying to make my outsides look as ugly as my insides. Then the pain will be visible.

Maybe then they'll care
Maybe then I will, too.

-Beaskie